Surgery Nerves

Tuesday evening:

Tap, tap, tap. My fingers on J’s leg, on my own leg, on my other hand. Swing, swing, swing. My leg can’t keep still. I’m nervous.

I haven’t been put under since I had my wisdom teeth cut out when I was 19 or 20 years old. My body hasn’t been cut into since I had my appendix out when I was 11. I didn’t think I’d be nervous or afraid. But I was.

Tuesday night:

Up and down all night long. I saw 1:00 in the morning. I woke up quickly when the alarm went off at 4:20 in the morning. I had been dreaming about the surgery day. Weird images of tree limbs and lunches I couldn’t eat. Why was I at work? I don’t know. Nervous dreams.

Wednesday morning:

Problems with J’s car. Too much snow outside. Nasty drive to the hospital. Feeling tense. Watching the miles go by, in the predawn darkness.

Once at the hospital, everything seems to go so fast. No longer nervous. I seem to have gotten that out of my system the night before. Before I know it my belly has been scrubbed, my belly button cleaned out with a wet swab. I’ve given my engagement ring to J to hold. My IV is in, and liquid Valium has been pumped in. And I’m out. I have vague recollections of moving to the operating table, of the lights over me.

They said I threw up. But I didn’t aspirate. When I woke up, I was disjointed, uncomfortable, unhappy. It was not a nice feeling. The doctor came around, said there was some problem with adhesions from my appendix scar. I wasn’t really awake yet, didn’t understand what he said.

Then I was back in the room where I started. J was there, holding my hand, kissing my cheek. Putting my engagement ring on my finger for the second time. I was so happy to feel his touch.

They brought me an English muffin. I was starved, it tasted so good. I had to pee. The IV needle was still in my hand.

We drive home, after stopping to fill my pain pill prescription, and another stop at work so I could pee again. That IV really did its job.

Home. Sore. Tired. Laying down, watching Dark Knight. Then dozing off. Sleeping. Quiet afternoon. J wanted to stay up to watch the ball drop. I wanted to sleep. I didn't think I dozed off, but he said I did. I woke up when he shut off the TV. Said Happy New Year. Got my kiss. Went back to sleep.

Thursday:

Sore. Taking Advil. Outer bandages taken off. Belly tight and sore. Quiet. Tired. Recovering. TV. Shower. Sims. Internet. Chinese food for lunch. Boiled dinner, courtesy of my sister, for dinner. SNL on the DVR. Naptime now?

Happy New Year.