Me

I'll post again later tonight with Kitty Picture Day - or I'll post it tomorrow, one or the other. For now, though, I wanted to share something I just wrote. It's introspective and makes promises that I really hope I can keep - promises I make to myself. Enjoy.


I catch a glimpse of her sometimes, out of the corner of my eye. The woman I used to be, glimmering on the edge of my consciousness. Her shape, her curves, her incredibly tiny waist. She hated her calves, she thought her thighs were fat, she hated her womanly hips. She didn’t appreciate the things that made her beautiful – her smile, her sparkly eyes, the undisguised love and kindness that poured out of her in waves. She was too focused on the number on the scale, the size in the clothes.

Now so many years have passed – a decade, two. The woman I am is so much stronger than the woman I used to be, in so many ways. Love, grief and the passing of time have matured me, seasoned me, prepared me to accept the fact that I am approaching middle age. My hands aren’t as smooth and blemish free, my feet aren’t as soft and worn from days spent in the swimming pool. Stretch marks have appeared, glasses are needed. But the best parts of that woman I used to be – the figure I didn’t know to appreciate when I had it, the happiness and love, the smile – they’re still there. The body is hiding under the layers of fat I’ve accumulated through 10+ years of grief, loneliness and self loathing, but it’s there, waiting to emerge once again.

I have love now – something she never let herself have. I have a home, I have family – mine and his. I have so many things in my life that I cherish, that I thank the universe for on a daily basis. The happy shine in J’s bright blue eyes when he looks at me, the knowledge that there is one person in this world who loves me more than anyone else he knows – and that I love him the same way. That I allowed him to stick around long enough for that love to grow. That I didn’t cast him away when he started to get too close.

2009 is going to be the year when the woman I used to be and the woman I am now merge. I am going to reveal that thinner version of me, layer by layer. I’m going to have that flat belly again. I’m going to lose my double chin. I’m going to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I’m going to wear shorts again. I’m going to wear dresses and skirts again. I’m going to feel beautiful. I’m going to turn 40, and I’m going to rock that age more than any other that has come before.

The best parts of the past me, and the best parts of the new me are going to come together. I am finally going to be the woman I’ve always dreamed of being – beautiful, happy, loved. This is my vow. This is my promise, both to the woman I am now and to the woman I was then.

I am going to be in love with my life, and my body, simultaneously. I deserve that.