Worried

Last night I walked out to the kitchen, and Gracie was laying on her back in the dining room chair that sits under the picture window (the one she and Zelda are sitting in up there). So of course I walked over and scratched her belly, because how could I resist? And while I was petting her, I felt a mass in her abdomen. It's down low, about where her spaying incision was, and it's fairly large - a little smaller than a golf ball, I guess.

So now I'm worried about her again. I love all of my animals, and I hate having to start thinking about losing any of them. I love Gracie, and we've just been through so much with her leg, that it seems really unfair that now I have to be worrying about her possibly having cancer or something. I've had a lot of animals who have had cancer, and I've lost every single one of them. Gracie is only 7 1/2 - I'm not ready to even think about that with her, and yet here I am, worried about losing her.

And of course I'm worried about money, too. I was so excited yesterday, because I was going to be able to pay off the vet bill and my dentist bill and a couple of other bills are gone, and I was going to be able to actually contribute some money towards the house! And I'd still have money left over to spend on myself, which I'm never able to do! And now I have the knowledge of this future vet bill hanging over my head. If it turns out to be cancer, I won't go to extreme measures to try to save her. I'll pay for them to remove the mass, if it's operable, but I won't do anything else. Still, just a blood test (which I'm assuming they'll have to do) and an exam and maybe x-rays and then possibly surgery are going to take all of my extra money once again.

I guess I'm just never supposed to have cash in my pocket at any time. It's just not meant for me.

Okay, money aside, send me good thoughts about Gracie, would you? I need all the good thoughts I can get right now, because I'm not feeling any in my own head.

(Also, the money that I was expecting to show up yesterday still hasn't. I called them, and they said they sent it to the bank yesterday. So why the fuck isn't it in my account? Stupid effing bank.)