Christmas Domesticity

The Christmas spirit hasn’t always visited me during the holiday season. There have been years when I’ve wanted to ignore the very existence of Christmas; in these years, I didn’t put up a tree, didn’t hang a single decoration or light. The season passed by unnoticed, but for the day spent at my sister’s house and the gifts given and received. Then there have been years where I’ve been enough in the spirit to put up a small tree, and to hang at least a few decorations, but without going overboard. A little decoration went a long way in years like those, and a big tree, outside lights, wall decorations, banister garland and Christmas knick-knacks were never unpacked. This year I have landed squarely in the land of Christmas overload.

Actually, overload may be an overstatement of the situation – I have definitely seen people go way further than I do, after all. I have lights outside, but they are just simple icicle lights, hung around the porch to light it up and make it festive. I have decorations on the walls, but only two large quilted stockings that my mother bought years ago. I have garland and lights on the banisters, with stockings hung from them; I have a Christmas rug on the floor by the television; I have paper bells and balls hung from the ceiling. And of course I have a large (fake) Christmas tree in the living room and a small (fake) tree in my bedroom. But the knick knacks were put back away without being put out, and Christmas doesn’t permeate any room in my house other than the living room and bedroom. But for all that it could be more than it is, it is more than it was last year, and it gives the house a nice holiday glow.

I find the holiday spirit hitting me more in other ways than decorating, however. I took great glee in purchasing a long list of gifts for J, D, Jamie, Sarah and the person whose name I drew in my sister’s family name drawing. I bought wrapping paper and happily wrapped up the two packages that came in the mail Monday. I can’t wait to give away all of the gifts that I picked out for everyone, and to receive what they are giving me this year. And? I have the rather urgent desire to bake.

I have always liked to bake, but I haven’t done it much in quite a few years. I don’t even have the basic baking necessities in my house – I have some sugar, but there’s no flour, no brown sugar, no confectionary sugar, no shortening, and definitely no (fresh) eggs. I think that might all be changing, though, because I find myself filled with a desire to bake cookies of many different kinds – definitely sugar and chocolate chip, and whatever else I find in my cookbook that looks interesting. I want to make homemade (not from a box mix) blueberry muffins. I found a recipe on the Lactaid website for making lactose free Whoopie Pies (a treat that is usually found in Maine, and which look absolutely yummy) and I want to make those. And I want to make fudge.

Now, fudge is something that I can’t have if anyone else makes it, and I can’t have any from a bakery or store, because I can’t digest milk. However, thanks to the invention of Lactaid milk, if I can find a recipe that takes milk (not evaporated milk), that isn’t too difficult, I think I can make fudge and be able to eat it – I just need to substitute Lactaid for the regular milk. The problem, though, is going to be finding a recipe that isn’t too difficult. I’ve never made anything that required boiling syrup until it gets to any sort of ribbon consistency or whatever, and I don’t think I want to attempt that now. But if I can find a good recipe that doesn’t require that, and that will allow a substitution of dairy free Lactaid for the regular milk, I want to make it this year.

If I actually do all of this baking, I will be able to give baked goods to J’s family when I go over there on Christmas Day. I’ll be able to take some to my sister’s house for her very large family to enjoy. And I’ll be able to have some at my house for J and I to enjoy during the week between Christmas and New Year’s.

Where does all this newfound domesticity come from? Is it just something that would have hit me anyway, or is it to do with J’s existence in my life? I have no idea. All I know is that I’m enjoying being fully embedded in the Christmas spirit, and I am looking forward to spending this holiday season with family and friends, and in my warm house, with the trees lit and shining, the banister glowing, the cats knocking ornaments off the tree, while sharing the season with the guy with whom I am falling in love. For this year, at least, wrap me up in ribbons and bows, because I am ready for the holiday.

A Cat and a Christmas Tree: a Story in Pictures

A tale of a cat and a Christmas tree, as performed by Sable, super adorable cat and mouse killer extraordinaire.

"Oh, Pooh ornament, you hang there, just in my reach, begging me to grab you and take you off this fake pine tree. You will be mine."

"What? I'm not doing anything. I'm just sitting here innocently staring at the wall. Tree? What tree? I don't know what you're talking about."

"Ah, yes! It is mine! Prepare to be conquered, Pooh ornament! Mua ha ha ha ha!"

"Oh, you're a tough bear, aren't you. I WILL get you off this tree."

"What? He was taunting me! That portly bear has it coming! Oh yeah, I mean - I wasn't doing anything. The bear is fine. See? He's still hanging there, right where you left him! God, you have no trust in me whatsoever."

Not pictured - two minutes later, the Pooh Bear ornament is on the floor, and Sable is trying to figure out a way to climb a fake pine tree. If it had a real trunk, she would have been in the middle of it.

This has been an illustrated story of a cat and a Christmas tree, starring Sable Little, with a Winnie the Pooh Christmas tree ornament playing a supporting role. Thank you!

Jonesing for a (Sim) Fix

My life has been very busy lately. Editing, working, spending time with J, having dinner with my sister, scrapbook-paryting with Sarah...it's all good stuff. But a few of my old pasttimes have fallen by the wayside. Reading? I've been reading Stephen King's new book for, what? A month? More, maybe? And I'm not even halfway through. Even though I'm liking it so far, and really want to see what happens. Watching TV? I still have somewhere in the neighborhood of 60 or so hours of TV on my DVR that I need to catch up with. Thank goodness for some recent repeats, or it would be even worse. But the thing that is bothering me the most lately, the thing I am starting to jones for in a big way - the Sims 2.

I have a desktop computer that I use solely for the Sims. It used to be my habit to have that computer on and running the game every night after work for about four hours, and on every weekend day for probably 10 or 12 hours at a time. Yes, I was seriously addicted, and wasted a lot of hours playing that game. But I watched TV while I did it, so I was accomplishing two time wasting activities at the same time! So at least I was multi-tasking my laziness. But then I met J online, and we started to talk on the phone every night, and we started seeing each other, and now we're on the phone every week night except the one that he is at my house, and he's at my house all weekend, and my Sims computer hasn't been turned on since somewhere around mid-October, or maybe late October. Yes, my poor little Sims have been languishing in the computer. My Sim Willow is still pregnant, as is her Sim owner. And I don't even remember what else was happening to all of my Sim people, because I've been gone so long. And I haven't minded not playing, because good stuff was happening. A relationship was happening, extra work (and therefore fuel oil money) was happening. It was all good, and who needs to play with fake people when you can play with real people?

Well. That was a good attitude for a while, but now the itch is returning. I am feeling the need to fire up that desktop PC and see what my Sim people are up to. I want to see Willow's puppies, I want to see what her owner has, a boy or girl, or maybe twins! I want to control their little simulated lives. I won't be able to do it tonight, because I am going to my Monday night dinner with D and K, to hang out and see what they thought of J. I have to get the lowdown from them. And by the time I get home, I'll have just enough time to take care of the dogs, put on my pajamas, maybe vacuum the living room and my bedroom, and watch one episode of something off my DVR, then the phone will be ringing. J will want to know what D and K thought of him, and he'll want to tell me that he misses me and can't wait until he comes out again on Tuesday. And I'll of course be happy to hear all of that.

So, no Sims tonight, because of dinner and phone call, and no Sims tomorrow night because he'll be there, but maybe on Wednesday. Yeah, I can fit at least a couple of hours of play time in on Wednesday, I think. I hope my Sims won't be mad at me for abandoning them for all this time.

Now I just have to figure out how to balance the time wasting activities that I miss so much with the relationship/work/friend stuff. There has to be a way to fit it all in, right? Here's hoping I figure out how to fit it all in. Otherwise, Sim Willow will be pregnant forever and my DVR will explode from being too full. And we wouldn't want that.

Missed a Day, and Weekend Update

Oops, I missed my first holidailies entry of the year yesterday, didn't I? I forgot all about it until earlier today when I saw a comment from Sarah asking what happened to me. Sorry! I don't have much of an excuse, really. I went to Sarah's yesterday afternoon, to her scrapbooking party, where I made a bee-yoo-ti-ful mini scrapbook with three pictures from my trip to Maine in June (I gave it to my sister last night). I was running late going to that, and then I had to leave while people were still making stuff and having fun because I had to run home and get ready to go to dinner with J and my sister and brother-in-law, for the big meeting of the family. And I was running late for that by the time I got home, so I had to rush around. And then we went to dinner and then we went back to my sister's house afterwards, and then we came home and watched Blues Brothers, after which I promptly fell asleep and slept like the dead, because I was exhausted. And there you have a whole one paragraph excuse for why I didn't update yesterday. :)

The dinner went really well. J really liked my sister and her husband. (And I'm sick of typing that out in reference to them, so I'm just going to say D and K - D is my sister, K is her husband.) K is a very funny guy who is really good at putting people at ease and having a good time with them, so J was feeling pretty comfortable, especially by the time we left their house last night. So the first meeting is over, and it was a success. He did well. Well, I think he did - I'll get the full report from D and K tomorrow on what they thought when I go over there for dinner.

The next hurdle for him is the Christmas dinner thing on the 26th. I'm sure he'll do fine then, too.

And I promise to try really hard not to forget to update again. I swear. :) And to close up this lame excuse for an entry, I'll give you a picture of the best, friendliest, most wonderful dog in the world (Bernie), who has already made friends with J's two dogs. They were lining up for a treat when I took the picture, and do you know how hard it is to get a good picture of three dogs who are all eager to get a treat, and not so into the thought of sitting still for the camera? Yeah, it's pretty impossible. So, Bernie is looking up at the counter, McDuff is walking to me and out of camera range, and Rosebud is just hanging out waiting for that damn treat that I'm taking my sweet time giving her. Aren't they all cute? I could steal McDuff and never give him back, he's so stinking adorable. Oh, and Willow is still being a stinker who thinks that his dogs shouldn't exist, so she was in my bedroom at the time. I would say that I'm hopeful she'll get over that soon, but she still thinks Bernie shouldn't exist, and he's been here since February, so I'm really not hopeful at all. She's never going to like them being here. Silly Will.

And okay, I'm going to go read my book for a little while before I go to sleep. I hope you all had great weekends. I'll talk at you tomorrow!

40 Questions

In lieu of actually doing the work to come up with an original entry, I present you with 40 Questions, as stolen from Robyn, who stole it from Nance.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before? I met someone from one of those dating sites. I'm happy to say it's going well so far, and we're 2 1/2 months in. Woo!

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any New Year's resolutions, because, as I think I said last year, those are doomed to fail in my life. I never stick to them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No. My paternal grandmother died at some point, but it might have been in 2005? I'm not sure. I didn't have a relationship with her, so the date isn't sticking in my head. Although I think I was in my old job at the time, which means it was probably 2005 for sure, because I started my current job in January of this year.

5. What countries did you visit? None other than my own. But I did visit a new part of it when I went to Maine.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? The means to pay off some of my stinking bills. I hate credit cards.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? October 21st, because it was my first date with J.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Going on a diet and sticking to it for about 15 weeks now! Even though I did horrible last week. But I'll be better next week, so it's okay. Still - I've lost over 15 pounds, and that's a huge achievement for me!

9. What was your biggest failure? Umm, I'm drawing a blank. Which is a good thing, right?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No, thank goodness. Just minor illnesses that passed quickly.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Uh, I didn't buy anything major. I bought some TV shows on DVD, I love those. And the Sims 2 Pets! Although I haven't had much playing time lately, I do love the little Sim critters.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Jamie's, when he quit smoking for a couple of months. But then he started again. :( (Hi Jamie! Hee.)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? If I paid attention to the news and politics, I'm sure it would be someone from those arenas, but I try to stay uninformed. It's the only way to stay happy. Ignorant, but happy.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills, sadly.

15.What made you really really really excited? The Sims 2 Pets! I waited so anxiously for that, you have no idea. I was really horribly addicted to that game. And will be again once I have time. It's calling to me.

16.What song will forever remind you of 2006? I don't think any song will. Nothing is sticking in my head from 2006. Except! Storm Large's original song from Rockstar Supernova. I can't remember the name of it, but I loved it. The R rated version, of course.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Reading. I never get enough reading time in anymore.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Working. But unfortunately, it's what pays the bills.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? I will be spending Christmas Eve with J at his Aunt's house, Christmas day with his family at his parents' house (probably) and the 26th with my sister at her house. And I'm dragging J along, woo!

21. How will you be spending New Year’s? New Year's Eve I will be staying up until Midnight, getting my very first ever New Year's kiss. Yes, I'm pathetic and have never had a boyfriend at New Year's. New Year's day will probably be spent doing nothing much of anything, other than moaning about going back to work the next day. Even though I like my job. But vacations are better than work anyday.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006? I don't know yet. Ask me before the New Year.

23. How many one-night stands? None, thank goodness. But unlike last year, I did get some action this year! Woo! :P

24. What were your favorite TV programs? Grey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty, Veronica Mars.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No. Thank goodness.

26. What was the best book you read? To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Kenny Wayne Shepherd, I think. And K.T. Tunstall.

28. What did you want and get? Can I be stupid and say a boyfriend? Schmaltzy, but true.

29. What did you want and not get? A million dollars. Or new windows for my house.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Um, I don't know. I liked a lot, but nothing is standing out in my mind right now.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 37 on my birthday, and I think I spent most of it at my sister's house, and the rest at home, probably playing the Sims 2.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting some bills paid off and new windows in my house. Otherwise, it's been a pretty good year.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Jeans, t-shirts and sweatshirts on my days off when I actually got dressed, PJs when I didn't. I'm not a fancy girl.

34. What kept you sane? My critters, my friends and this blog. It's amazing how much it helps to write things out in here. See the freak out entries from last month as an example.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Can I say a fictional character? If so, George from Grey's Anatomy. I heart him.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? I try not to get too into politics, but the whole same sex controversy irritates the hell out of me. Let people marry who they want, no matter the gender. Why should it bother anyone else? I don't get that at all.

37. Who did you miss? My Mother, now and always.

38. Who was the best new person(s) you met? J.

38. Side question…who would you like to get to know better? A couple of people from work, maybe. Otherwise, I have no idea.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: You have to open yourself up to new experiences and make yourself vulnerable - it's the only way you can experience life. Take a leap, and sometimes great things can happen.

40. Favorite Memory of 2006? Multiple memories, not just one. All of the good times spent with Jamie and Sarah, all of the good chats with Sally, adopting my Bernie dog and the time spent with Willow and the cats too, the great Monday night dinners with my sister and her family, meeting J and getting to know him better, and being fallen in love with. It's been a great year.

Miscellany

I tried to give blood after lunch today, but my iron level was one point too low. I was sad to not be able to give, but I tried, and I got a free t-shirt, so woo! As for my iron level, I think I may have to start eating a big old steak the night before I donate from now on, because I'm taking a multi-vitamin with iron, and I just don't want to add another iron supplement. One horse pill is enough. Oh well.

I got my check from Sally yesterday for the last editing job that I did (thanks, Sally!), so I put it in the bank via the ATM last night, and was able to pay some bills this morning, and...do my Christmas shopping! I bought everything online - I love Amazon.com. Online shopping is the best invention ever. I got everyone done, but for a few stocking stuffers that I'll need to pick up for J. He's filling a stocking for me, so I'm filling one for him, too. I got him one thing to go in it, but I'll need to go to an actual store and get the rest of the stuff. I'm thinking the dollar store is a good place to go for this kind of thing, because I have no idea what to buy him to put in it. Except for a lot of candy, of course. Yum, chocolate. :)

It felt good to be able to do the shopping and to get some bills paid, too. I paid off my fuel oil bill and sent them $500 towards my next delivery, so I guess I won't freeze to death anytime soon. Which is good. I need to get J to go down to the basement and check the level of fuel that I have left, too. I like winter in some ways, but man I hate paying for heat. I really need to get an alternative heat source working, to cut down on the fuel oil bills. I have a wood burning furnace in my garage that could be used, but the chimney fell off in the Labor Day storm of 1998, so I'd have to have that replaced first. So for now it's non-functional.

And man, this is the most boring entry ever! This is what happens when I update daily, and when I don't have the time to sit and think of decent topics. And today is only the 7th - just wait until the end of the month! :P

And now I need to get to work. I have two more chapters to edit in my current editing job (the one that will pay for more fuel oil, oh joy), so I better get cracking - my deadline is tomorrow. Happy Thursday, everyone! I'll try to make tomorrow's entry more interesting.

And just to make this post more festive, I'll leave you with pictures of my office decorations. Enjoy!

Great picture, right? Yeah, it sucks. But, it shows my festive garland and decorations. And as a bonus you get to see a little bit of my work space. The pictures are from my trip to Maine. They're right over my computer, so that I can look at them and dream of being there instead of here. The rest is papers, papers, everywhere. It's very cluttered in here.

And this is on the wall behind my desk. I'm very Christmasy this year. :)

Christmas Traditions

Christmas has always been a time filled with tradition. Family traditions dictate how the tree is decorated, when the presents are opened, what food is served for breakfast, what dishes are served at the big holiday dinner. These traditions serve to provide a comforting, warm family celebration.

My family had their own fair share of traditions for the Christmas holiday. When I was a kid, my Mom would make homemade cookies, chocolates and fudge. Chex Mix was another holiday favorite that was made every year (I only liked the rice Chex at the time, although now I eat the wheat ones too). Our tree was always topped by a star, and paper bells and balls hung from the ceiling, draped with crepe paper. In later years, when it was just me, Mom and my Step-Dad Wayne, they would have shrimp cocktail and oyster stew for dinner on Christmas Eve, while I had tomato soup, because I didn’t like either of the things they were having. When we got up on Christmas morning, we would open our stockings while cinnamon rolls baked in the oven, and then we would have breakfast together. After breakfast, and after whatever of my siblings showed up that were in the area to come for Christmas day, we would open up the tree, with the oldest boy in the house playing “Santa” to hand out the gifts.

Once the gifts were all opened up, Mom would arrange all of hers under the tree, while the rest of us took ours to our rooms (and I would tear into whatever toy/electronic/game that I had gotten that year). We would have dinner in the early to mid-afternoon, and dinner was always the same – ham, corn, biscuits, mashed potatoes – all of the yummy holiday dinner stuff. Pies would be served for dessert, and just like that another holiday would be over.

Things have changed quite a bit for me now. My Mom and Step-Dad are both gone. My brothers all live in different states, so I don’t usually see them for the holiday at all. I still have tomato soup for dinner on Christmas Eve, usually, and I still have cinnamon rolls for breakfast (and have a lot of leftovers for later). But that’s where the similarities end. I haven’t had a stocking in six years, because there hasn’t been anyone to make one for me. I don’t make dinner at my house, and in fact don’t even usually spend most of the day there at all. I go to my sister’s house to exchange gifts and to have dinner with her family. Times have changed, and now they’re changing again.

This year I have a new person to add into the mix. I told J that I hadn’t had a stocking since Mom died, and he seemed appalled at that idea, so something tells me that I’ll have one this year – and I’ll be filling one for him, too. I have a star on my tree this year, so Mom’s old tradition of having one is back. Those paper balls and bells are hanging from my ceiling, albeit without the crepe paper. I’m not going to be alone on Christmas Eve, so I might not have my tomato soup for dinner – but that’s okay. I’m sure we’ll come up with something good. We probably will still have cinnamon rolls for breakfast on Christmas Day, because they’re just too yummy to skip, but the rest of the day is going to be completely different. My sister isn’t doing Christmas until the 26th, because one of her sons is coming in from California on Christmas night, and will be spending that evening with his wife’s family. So I might be going to J’s house for Christmas Day. And actually, I’m going to his Aunt’s house for part of Christmas Eve, too.

New traditions are being created, with a few old ones in the mix. If J and I are together next year, then these new ones will be carried on, which is a good thing. But I’m still happy for the old ones that are carrying forward. These old traditions carry with them a piece of my past – they bring the family who are gone and those who can’t be here into the celebration. I see Mom in the star on my tree, and in the majority of the decorations in my house, most of which were hers or which she gave to me. Wayne’s Sugar Bear decoration is on the tree in my bedroom. I’ll still see my sister on the 26th for dinner, gift giving and family fun (and I’ll be bringing J along). My Christmas traditions this year are in flux, but they still bring the holiday home for me in a good way.

What are some of your holiday traditions? Are they changing this year? Are you starting new ones? I’d love to hear!

(Also, do you like my new Christmas header? The super talented Sarah made it for me. Thanks Sarah!)

Dinner Talk

My banister is ready for Christmas. (Oh, and I'm the baby on the top, and my sister is the one on the bottom who is losing the back of her frame. I've got to fix that.)

I had my weekly dinner with my sister today. We planned to have dinner, the three of us plus J, on Saturday, so that he can meet them. And, the best part - I'm bringing him to Christmas dinner. Ha! He's SOOO going to love meeting all of her family in one day. Overwhelmed? Yeah, he will be. But my brother-in-law had a good point - in a group of people that large, you can just kind of hang back and observe, and let the conversation flow around you. If it's just you and a couple of new people, then you're under more pressure to make conversation. So maybe it won't be bad for him at all. Anyway, it should be interesting - I've never introduced someone to the family before. And yes, I'm 37, but I'm socially backward, okay? What you all did in your early 20s, I'm doing now. I'm a slow bloomer.

I would usually be talking on the phone to J right now, but tonight I'm chatting with my good friend Sally. She should be showing up online anytime now. We haven't talked in a really long time, because she's been so busy with work, but she has some time tonight, so we're meeting online for a good long chat session. It's going to be good to catch up with her.

And, since I'm not going to be on the phone, I can catch up on some TV. First up, Veronica Mars - after that, who knows. I have about 40-50 hours worth of TV on here to catch up with, so I certainly have my pick. The only bad thing about having a boyfriend? The loss of TV time! Then again, it's certainly nice to interact with a real person for a change, so I am not complaining.

And suddenly I'm out of things to talk about for tonight, and Sally should be showing up any minute, so that's all from me tonight. Have a great night!

The tree, with light so that you can see the ornaments. It's not much, but I'm loving it. :)

Met the Parents

You will all be happy to know that I did not stress over meeting J's parents at all. We had a great weekend together, and this morning we went to the mall and got a Christmas gift for the person whose name I got in the office Secret Santa gift exchange, and I got something for Sarah for Christmas :), and then we went from the mall to his sister's house for brunch. And all of the worrying I did last week after he asked me if I wanted to do this was gone. His sister is very nice, his brother is hysterically funny, and his parents are just cute old people. The family obviously loves each other, and the siblings all get along really well, and it was nice to be around them for a couple of hours. We ate some good breakfast food and I sat and listened to J and his brother riff off each other, and watched his sister feed her two small dogs their own table food, off their own plates (spoiled much? And I thought mine were bad!), and before I knew it, we were leaving and coming back to my house to finish decorating.

And now Christmas has come to my house, even outside with the addition of icicle lights on the front porch, and the stress of meeting his family is over, as is another great weekend.

And because it's late (for me), and I'm tired and I have to get up for work tomorrow, that's all for now. I'll leave you with a picture of Willow, sitting on a Santa Claus rug that my Mom made years ago. Willow is a grouchy little thing, but she's awfully cute.

Christmas Prep

I'm slipping in an entry all stealth like while J is putting garland on my tree. I'm sneaky like that. We've been decorating my house tonight. I have some pictures, but my tool bar that has the button for uploading pictures isn't here for some reason, so I might have to wait to post those tomorrow. But we've strung garland and white lights on my stairwell, put my small Christmas tree in my bedroom on top of my dresser, and have put up my Mom's old artificial tree in the living room, and put lights and a star on it. And now J's doing the silver garland. It looks really nice.

I also put out the Santa rug that my Mom made years ago, and the dogs have enjoyed laying on it already. This time of year brings out all the memories - Mom bought me this ornament, this oranament was my step-dad's, etc. Enough time has passed since Mom's death that I can look back on those memories and smile instead of being sad. It's a nice feeling.

Tomorrow we'll just have to hang all of the ornaments and put out my Christmas knick-knack type things, and my house will be ready for the holidays. I have gone quite a few years with almost no decorations at all, and that's making it feel really nice to have stuff up this year. I'm really in the holiday mood this year.

Tomorrow is also brunch with J's family. Dun dun dun. I'm sure it'll be okay, but I won't say I'm not stressing a little bit, because I am. I'll be glad when it's over.

And okay, he's about done with the garland, so that's all for now. I'll put some pictures up tomorrow, if I can figure out how to now that the dashboard on blogger has changed. I hope you are all having a great Saturday evening!

First of December

I bought this candle holder from a candle party that Sarah had. Isn't it pretty? My living room smells cinnamony now.

So, it's the first day of holidailies. Woo! Get ready to get sick of me, because I'll be updating daily for the whole month of December. Or I'll be trying to, anyway. I'm not sure how I'm going to work it when J is around, because he doesn't know about this blog yet, so I can't do it in front of him. Hmm. I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll send him to do something for me, to keep him busy for a while. My tub drain is backed up again, even worse than before (I think putting Drano down it just pissed it off), so there's something he can work on for a while. Anyway, I'll be making every effort to update here every day, so check back, 'kay?

Today was weigh-in day. I lost another pound, and am now down 16.2 pounds. Woo! I'm celebrating by having a large chocolate muffin for breakfast, and take out greasy food for both lunch and dinner. Hee. But really, weigh-in day is cheat day, and why would I want to eat a boring turkey sandwich on cheat day? I wouldn't. So, chicken sandwich and fries for lunch and KFC for dinner, with probably brownies for dessert. Yum. You can't beat it. Cheat day food aside, the weight loss thing is obviously going well, though. We have two more weeks left in the challenge, so I don't think I'll make my personal goal (which would mean losing at least 6.1 pounds in the next two weeks), but I'll come pretty close, and I'm okay with that. I also probably won't win the challenge, but I was never in this to win - just to lose weight, and I have done that, so I'm happy. Here's to keeping it up once the challenge is over.

So, guess who's meeting the parents this weekend? Yup, that would be me. J asked me the other night if I wanted to come to his sister's house on Sunday for brunch. I'll meet his Mom, Dad, sister and brother. Fun! And not at all stressful! Right. I'll survive somehow, I suppose, and actually once I get there, I probably won't be all that stressed, really. I'm good with parents, usually. I'm a nice, sweet, innocent looking girl, so parents usually want their sons with me. Which is good, but knowing that somehow doesn't make it any easier to face the prospect of hanging out with his family for a couple of hours. Oy. Oh well, I'll survive, and it'll mean I'll have that many fewer people to meet on Christmas Eve. I have to arrange a meeting with my sister and her husband soon, though, because I can't be the only one going through this stress.

This weekend should be fun, though, parent meeting aside. J and I are going to work on decorating my house for Christmas. For some reason I'm very much in the Christmas mood this year, so I'm really looking forward to getting my stuff all up. I'll post pictures once we get everything out and up.

As I was walking out to my car last night, I remembered that my car inspection was expiring. Yesterday. Oops! I called my garage when I got home, fully expecting to not be able to get it in for an inspection until next week, because the garage is always so busy, but he was really nice and said he would try to fit me in today. As Sarah said, that's probably because I paid his mortgage for most of the summer with my car repair bills. Sarah was nice enough to pick me up at the garage and bring me in to work, so my car is at the garage now, waiting for them to find a few minutes to inspect it. I hope everything is okay with it. Cross your fingers for me, okay?

Okay, I think I've exhausted my updating abilities for day one. Check back tomorrow - I'll have an update up at some point, if I have to lock J in a different room so that I can get into blogger for a few minutes. Until then, have a great Friday! And I'll leave you with a picture of Willow and Bernie. It's not the best picture, because there is a streak of sunlight running right down the middle of Bernie's face, but I think they're cute, regardless of picture quality. Don't you agree?

Current Thoughts, Etc.

I came home from work last night, and there were lights on in my house, the dogs had already been let out, dinner was cooking, and I was greeted on the front lawn by my boyfriend. That is an experience that I have NEVER had, and it was so nice! I could seriously get used to coming home to find J already there, cooking for me.

We had a really good night, too. After (a candlelit) dinner of baked chicken breasts and rice, we watched the first three episodes of Buffy, which he liked. He doesn't love it yet, but I didn't either until I had finished watching the first season, so I have hope that he'll turn into a fan like me.

And somehow around all the episodes of Buffy, we managed to have a really incredible night while the DVD was off or paused. He's worked his way into my heart, somehow. I am not ready to say those three words to him yet, but I'm getting closer. I like being with him. A lot.

And in non-J related news, it took four Advil in four hours, but I managed to kick that headache, finally. I'm feeling like it's trying to come back now, but it may just be a result of staring at the computer for too long, and I am now armed with a new bottle of Advil of my very own (thanks to J), so I don't even have to beg them from Jamie, like I did yesterday. So if it does seem like it's coming back, I'll take some more. I'm not sure what the heck was wrong with me this weekend, but thank goodness it seems like it's gone.

Currently reading: Lisey's Story, by Stephen King. I haven't had much free time that hasn't been spent editing or talking to or being with J, so I'm not very far into this. I also haven't played the Sims in like a month. This having a life thing really cuts into my hobbies/obsessions. :)
Currently listening: to my Internet radio, which is currently playing something called "Learn to Fly" from Carbon Leaf.
Currently watching: the clock, as I wait for lunchtime.
Currently wishing: That you are all having as good a day as it is possible for you to have.

Sick and Hungry, etc.

I'm hungry and my head hurts. Aren't you glad you came to my page today? Don't worry, I won't bitch the whole entry.

So, Thanksgiving break was over yesterday, for everyone except me. I started feeling kind of crappy Saturday night, and was feeling decidedly more crappy yesterday morning, so I called in sick, went back to bed and slept until Noon. Then I had lunch and laid down and watched Nanny McPhee in bed. Then I got up and went to the living room and laid down in my recliner and watched four or five back episodes of Smallville (I'm all caught up now, woo!), then I watched yesterday's Ellen and last week's Everbody Hates Chris. Exciting, right? I thought so. And I was in my pajamas all day, and didn't brush my teeth or my hair until I was getting ready for bed. All in all, it was a pretty decent sick day.

And this morning I felt better, and well rested since I slept so much yesterday and then got a good 8 1/2 hours last night, so I jumped out of bed and got ready for work. Then felt like I needed a nap, because it's just so much work taking a shower! So I guess I'm not 100% yet, but I'm getting there. I do still have that stinking headache, though.

J is coming over tonight after work, and we are going to have dinner (barbecue sauce soaked chicken tenders, baked, and flavored rice of some sort that he's bringing to make) and then...I am going to introduce him to Buffy. It is my goal to make him love it at least close to as much as I do. And to make him watch all seven seasons with me. Woo! I hope it works. Because frankly, if we're going to have a long future, it seems necessary to be able to talk Buffy together. And yes, that is a sad statement of my geekdom when it comes to that show. But, I am not ashamed. I love it, and I miss watching it every week.

Also, he started calling me Sweetie this weekend, without even realizing he was doing it, and I loved it. And I'm missing him when he isn't with me, and yes, somehow he wormed his way into my relationship phobic heart. I still can't say those three words back to him, but he's important to me now. Which I'm kind of liking. Also, he invited me to come to his family's Christmas Eve get together with him. Is it okay if I start stressing over that now? Cuz, oy. Lots of family members who I've never met and strange foods that I don't know if I will want to or be able to eat (I'm very picky and lactose intolerant, which makes it pretty difficult). He's Polish. There will be perogies and other weird things there. I am going to have to be brave and try things. Yikes. I'm thinking of getting back at him by inviting him to my family's house for Christmas. We don't eat weird stuff, but if he came to my sister's house for Christmas, he would be faced with about...let me count...16 people from my family, all at once, and he would only have maybe met my sister and her husband before then. I don't know if I will actually ask him if he wants to come, but I'm tempted, because if I have to be stressed, then he should have to be too, right? Kidding. Sort of.

Okay. I guess that's all the talk I have in me for now. I'm going to go see if I can steal some Advil from someone, because I'm sick of this headache hanging around. Happy Tuesday!

Thanksgiving Weekend Recap

I am so tired. I am going to be in bed early tonight, and I hope to sleep hard and straight through until the alarm goes off at 6:30. Ugh. I like my job, but I hate going back to it after I've had four days off. It's so difficult!

I had a good weekend, though. Thanksgiving on Thursday was of course at my sister's house. She had four of her six kids there, two of them with their respective significant others, so it was a full table. Dinner was great, and my sister's family is fantastic, and my niece immediately made herself my favorite when she hugged me and asked if I was "wasting away." Hee. She's good.

And I spent a lot of time with J this weekend, too. I saw him every day, which was nice. He even brought his dogs over to my house, so that they wouldn't be at his house alone so much, so we introduced them to my dogs. I was a little bit stressed about that, but it went okay. The two females - Willow and his female basset hound - were full of attitude and wanted to let everyone else know that they were the top dog of the bunch, but Bernie and his male dog were so laid back and accepting and friendly. They were very cute. His dog is a West Highland White Terrier, and of course Bernie is a gigantic Bernese Mountain Dog mix, so it was really cute when he let his terrier out into the living room with Bernie, and the first thing Bernie wanted to do was play. He has no concept of size, and I wouldn't leave them alone together for too long for fear he would hurt the terrier by accident, but it was extremely cute. (And I feel the need to explain that even though they met each other, his dogs spent the time they were here in my mudroom, so the dogs only actually mixed when they first got here and when he let his terrier out for a few minutes with Bernie. If this relationship keeps going the way it has, we may have to deal with integrating them more fully, but for now just having them meet was enough.)

Anyway, we had a lot of fun, watched a lot of stuff on DVD and got way more comfortable with each other, the way that you have to spend time together to do. It was nice. Although I still can't say those three words back yet. He hasn't said them to me again, though, so it hasn't been an issue. He knows my relationship issues, and doesn't want to rush or pressure me, which I appreciate.

I also got a little bit of editing done for my good friend Sally, who has been working so hard that I've hardly gotten to talk to her in ages. (Sally? If you read this, we need to rectify that! I love the work that you give me, and I'm glad that you're doing well, but I miss you!)

And somehow that is the end of my recap! Exciting, huh? It was good, though. I'd even show you pictures, if I had taken any. :)

Three Big Words

J told me last night that he is in love with me. I couldn't say it back yet.

I'm not freaking.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thankful

Sundry posted a blog a few minutes ago and asked people to comment on what they were grateful for. I posted the following, and liked what I wrote so much that I'm posting it here:

I am grateful that, somehow, I find myself in a new relationship with a man who thinks I am beautiful and nice and sexy and hot and wants to be with me every minute of every day, and would if our lives would allow it. And he wants to take me on vacations and spend money on me and he makes me feel treasured and valuable, and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.

Also, I am grateful for the best sister that anyone could ask for (she feeds me dinner once a week, just as an excuse for me to be able to come over and spend time with her and get a good meal in me at the same time) and great friends who make me laugh on a daily basis with their weird senses of humor. I’m also grateful for my house full of animals who all have their own interesting personalities.

And I’m happy to have the chance to share my gratitude in my blog and in the comments sections of other blogs. And of course I’m happy to have great journals/blogs to read while I’m *cough* working. :)

Then Jessamyn posted her comment from Sundry's blog and asked us to also post what we were grateful for, so I posted it there, too. This comment is getting around!

And because I think this is a nice thing to perpetuate, please comment and let me know what you're feeling grateful for this year. I can't wait to see!

"We" and "Us" Sound SOOO Weird

I had a good weekend. I spent all day Saturday editing - and I do mean ALL day. I started at about 9:30 in the morning and kept at it until about 9:30 at night. I took an hour and a half break at dinner time, because if I had to read one more line of economics stuff right then I would have committed suicide, but still. That is a LOT of time editing in one day. But, I got it all done, so I was able to spend Sunday relaxing.

So of course J came over Sunday. He got there at about 11:00, and we went to lunch at Wendy's and went to see Stranger than Fiction, which I enjoyed. And I just kept sighing in happiness to not be editing, so regardless of what the movie had been like, I would have been happy.

We also spent some time on Sunday talking. J got offered a job, doing basically the same thing he does now but for a different company, and making somewhere in the neighborhood of $6 an hour more than he makes now. That's a no brainer, right? So he's accepting it. And I asked him what he was going to do with all of his new found wealth, and he asked me if I would take a vacation with him to Chicago. Um, hell yes! I love Chicago. So, at some point, once he's been there a while and has saved up some moula, we'll be taking a trip to Chicago, where we'll explore the city, go to a game at Wrigley Field (I've never been to a baseball game, so that should be an interesting experience) and just generally enjoy being away from home, in a city that draws me for reasons I have never fully understood. Good stuff.

He also sat down with me before he left yesterday, and talked to me about this new job. He wanted to make sure that I would be okay with the fact that he will be on call a lot more than he is now (although most problems that may arise could be taken care of with the laptop that he'll be issued, but he might occasionally have to leave to go in to work). Of course I am - he needs to take the job, if it will be best for him, and you do what you have to do to make that kind of money. And he said that he wanted to make sure I was okay with that, because he could see us being together long-term. And you know what? A couple of weeks ago, that would have made me run screaming (shoot, I was almost running screaming just from the implication of that, much less the actual verbalization of it). Now? It made me feel good. I like him a lot - more and more all the time, actually. I can actually see a long future with him myself.

And you know what? That is such an alien concept to me. I have never been in a relationship for longer than three months, mostly because of the whole relationship phobia that I've had going my whole life. I've never thought of myself in terms of a couple - my pronouns have always been "I' and "me," not "we" or "us." It's an adjustment. I have trouble thinking of him as my boyfriend, even though he asked me officially if I would be his girlfriend a few weeks ago (pre-freak out). And that's nothing to do with him - it's just not something I've ever done. I'm liking it, though.

Plus, he's going to help me fix my roof. And he said that once he started getting paid from his new job, I would never have to pay for anything ever again when he was with me. Which is a very sweet thing for him to say. Not that I would actually let him pay for everything when we're together. If he wants to buy me dinner or whatever, fine, but there is a limit. Still, it was nice. He wants to take care of me. No man has ever done that (except for family). I could get used to it. Once I unbend enough to let him start, anyway. :)

And okay, I've bored you enough with this for now, and I need to get back to work anyway. I hope you all had a great weekend, and that my U.S. readers will have a great Thanksgiving week, in case I don't check back in before the big turkey day.

Holidailies 2006

I just registered for Holidailies 2006, which means I'll be updating daily for the month of December. Yay! Last year I only missed one day, when I just forgot about it. We'll see if I can hit them all this year. Of course, J doesn't know about this blog yet, so it may be more of a challenge. We'll see how I do.

Also, it has come to my attention that a new reader was confused as to the identity of J. J is NOT Jamie. Jamie remains a good friend, but he is not who I'm dating. J just happens to also have a name that starts with J - for some reason I seem to draw men with J names to me. Sorry for any confusion. Maybe I should do a who's who entry sometime soon, and put a link to it in the sidebar. Hmm. I'll think about that. Let me know if that would help you out, okay?

And I'm really sorry for the short update today, but I really just wanted to let you all know to check this site daily in December. Now I have to get back to editing. I'm attempting to finish this editing job today, which means editing two chapters, including the main text, a summary and two comment papers. For each chapter. Fun! If I'm going to get it all done, and not be working until Midnight to do it, I need to get back at it.

But not before I say that things with J are going great. I like him more and more each time we see each other.

Okay, that is all. I hope you are all having wonderful, relaxing weekends. If I get this editing done, I'll get to relax for at least half of it! Woo! Bye!

Revelations

I went to my sister's house for dinner last night, like I do every Monday. I really enjoy going there once a week, and I love that they have taken it upon themselves to invite me. I feel like I'm a real part of their family. Even their dog loves me now! She gets all excited to see me and everything. Even when I don't have any leftovers to give her (yes, I bribe dogs for their affection - I am not stupid).

This week after dinner was over, my brother-in-law went to bed for a few hours, because he works the overnight shift, and hadn't gotten much sleep. Which left just me and my sister to sit and talk. I told her about the panic attacks I had last week, about my relationship with J. I told her about my fear of intimacy, and how it usually (according to the research I've done on it) stems from something that happens when a person is small child - some traumatic event happens that the child thinks is their fault, and because of that, they think they must be a horrible, flawed person to have made it happen. When I read that, I didn't know of anything that might have happened in my life that was that traumatic. I mean, my Dad died in an accident, but I was only two at the time, and he was gone most of the time driving truck anyway, so could that have been it? I had no idea. I knew I suffered from the fear of intimacy, but didn't really figure I'd ever know why.

Until our talk last night, when my sister told me that in the year or so after Dad died, our Mom basically turned into a different person. She was out partying a lot, drinking and hanging out in bars and basically not spending much time at all with us kids. My sister was left taking care of me and my brothers, for the most part (and she was only 12 when my Dad died). So that you can get an idea of the timeline here, my Dad died when I was two years and ten months old. Between that time and when my Step-Dad moved in, probably a year or so passed. But even after Wayne (my step-dad) moved in, my Mom was still apparently spending most of her time out away from the family. That summer (most likely the summer I turned four), my step-dad was working at a campsite on a lake, and we got to stay there for free while he was working there. My sister said that at one point we were hanging out at the lake. She and Mom were sitting on the shore talking, and I was in the water, sitting down in water about waist deep, playing. A boat went by and caused a wave, and it scared me, so I got up and ran toward my sister and my mother, yelling, "Mommy, Mommy!" My mother opened her arms for me, but I ran to my sister instead. When she asked me why I ran to my sister instead of to her, I told her "I don't want you, I want my real mommy." Ouch.

Anyway, that's basically a long ass way of saying that between the ages of three and four, I basically had no parents except for my sister, and it is entirely conceivable that I thought in my little three year old mind that I must have done something horrible to make my Mom not want to be around me anymore, and to leave me. And that belief could very well have caused this deep seated feeling that I was unworthy in some way, which in turn led to a pretty paralyzing fear of letting anyone get close to me.

And I want to say right here that I am in no way blaming my mother for any of this. She was going through a hell of a lot at that time. She lost her brother in a car accident and then her husband in a different accident just ten days later. She was left as the sole provider for five kids, ranging in age from 14 - 2. She had a lot of grieving to do, and everyone does that in their own way. Having lived through the grief of losing her, I know how hard that can be - and I didn't have five kids to take care of by myself.

But, it did give me a lot of insight into myself. And I told J about it, because he had been very confused by this whole situation that I had dumped on him last week, and I think it helped him to understand, too. And now that I know why I ended up like this, and now that I've worked through that first initial panic attack, I think J and I are going to be able to be fine. I'm not saying that I won't have any more panic attacks in the future, but I really think the worst is behind us. Now we can move on and just enjoy getting to know each other better and better. And that is very good.

And now I have yet another reason to be grateful for the existence of my sister in my life. You should all be so lucky as to have a sister like her.

Good Weekend News

After all of that freaking out I did last week, I had a great weekend with J. We hung out, we watched movies, we spent a lot of time just talking and relaxing and getting more comfortable with each other. It was exactly what I needed. I don't think I'll be freaking out anymore.

So now that I'm not freaking out, I can actually once again enjoy having a man in my life, who treats me like a desirable, beautiful woman who he is lucky to be with. That is a really nice way to be treated, and after too many years of being alone, I can certainly appreciate it. When I'm not panicking, anyway. :)

I also managed to lose 1.5 more pounds in the last couple of days, so I celebrated by eating leftover take-out Chinese food and thin mint Girl Scout cookies. I am now so stuffed that I feel like I'm going to burst. Oh man. It's a good thing I only eat like this once a week now.

And now I'm out of things to say, so I'm going to go watch last week's Grey's Anatomy while I edit. I hope you all had a great weekend!

Can you take more talk?

Can you take more relationship talk? I hope so, because here it comes! The last I posted, I had calmed down again, and was back to letting things flow. And then last night when we were talking on the phone, I started freaking out again, so this morning I sent him an e-mail and outlined my whole relationship phobia. I'm sure it was a bit much to send through e-mail, but I needed to tell him, and that was the way I felt safest. I told him about how I tend to find a reason to break up with guys whenever they start getting too close, and I told him that I had been at that point all week, and fighting it. And I asked him if we could just slow down for a while, until I feel more comfortable. He responded and seemed to understand as well as he could, and we're going to talk about it more tonight. But for now the pressure that I've been feeling is off, which is a very good thing.

So tonight we're going to get Chinese food for dinner, and we're going to watch Cars and at some point we'll talk about this whole thing, and I'll explain as best I can what I've been going through. It should be an interesting night. Oh, to be a normal person who can have a relationship without freaking out.

And that's all I'll say about that for now, because you're probably sick of reading about it, and I'm certainly sick of thinking about it and writing about it.

So, as a subject changer, as of today I have officially lost 14.8 pounds. I'm only .2 pounds away from 15! I'm very happy about it. I'm hoping to lose 20 before this challenge is over, which it will be the second week of December, I think, so that's enough time. I just have to be good enough to get there. I'm feeling and seeing the change now, though, which I love. Woo! It's a good thing in my life, and I need that right now.

Okay. I'm out of talk now. I hope you all will have a great weekend! I'm going to certainly try to.

Whew, Calmer Now

If you care at all, you'll be happy to know that I've calmed way the fuck down about the whole thing with J. I've come to the conclusion that it really was my inner relationship phobic freak trying to get me to run from yet another decent guy. But! Thanks to some nice comments from you people and a lot of writing about the whole situation, both in here and in my super secret for my eyes only personal journal (which you should be really happy you don't have to read, because the last day's entries are like what I posted in here times 1,000), I've opened my mind back up, calmed down and am letting things continue on once again. Who knows, I may actually turn into a real grown-up who can have a relationship that lasts longer than a month. Maybe.

Also, I wasn't kidding about mouse season being open. I came home from work yesterday to find a dead mouse on the floor in front of my bathroom door. I don't know if it was the one I rescued, who was stupid enough to come back in, or if it was one of his friends or relatives, but either way, it was dead. Luckily, it was just dead and not torn apart. It's a good thing I'm not squeamish about dead rodents, though. I picked it up with some toilet paper, threw it into the weeds outside, threw the paper into the recycling bin and that was that. I'm just wondering if I should bother to keep a head count this year, since the cats are starting so early in the season. I think I'm afraid to see how big that number could get by spring.

Anyway, thanks once again for reading my blathering, and for being my sounding board when I'm freaking out. I'm glad Sarah talked me into starting this blog a year ago. It's good therapy! :)

Mind Dumping

Hunting season has begun, and no, I'm not talking about all of the people who go hunt deer at this time of year. Nope, the hunting I'm talking about concerns mice, and Sable has declared it open season on them, starting yesterday. She was playing with a little mouse in my dining room last night. I like when the cats kill mice, because they just don't belong in my house. But I also can't let them torture the poor creatures while I'm home and awake. So, I scooped it up in a paper cup and let it loose outside. It was probably going to die anyway, from the damage Sable had already done to it, but I just had to rescue the poor thing. If it lived, I hope it's not stupid enough to come back in. A house with five cats is not a safe place for a mouse.

So. Are you ready for a little relationship talk? Because I have something on my mind, and I need to get it out. It feels a little funny to talk about this stuff online, but so far I don't have many readers, and the ones I have are all very nice, cool people, so it doesn't feel as weird as it maybe should (although I'm kind of glad my sister never started reading, or any of her kids who know about this, either, because that would be a whole different thing). I've been dating J for about a month, now, I think? Pretty close, anyway. And everything has been going pretty well. We have a lot in common, and he pretty much worships the ground I walk on, which is always a good quality in a guy, right? But I'm getting to that point where I have always wanted to just cut and run before. He is SO into me, and it scares me.

And this whole thing is just me doing the old thing that I've always done in relationships - wanting to split as soon as the person started getting too close (or at the first sign of a problem). What is wrong with me? I don't want to be alone, and yet I seem to do everything I can to make myself that way. Maybe I need counseling.

So while I work this out in my head, I'm just maintaining the status quo with J - I'm not going to make any decisions out of fear that I will regret later.

And wow, thanks for listening to me while I work all of this stuff out, okay? It's good to have this space to write about this stuff, so that I can get it out of my head. And I'm REALLY glad I never told him about this blog.

Random Sunday Stuff

I was just petting Bernie, who was half on my lap even though he is gigantic, and I saw a spider on the floor, just walking around like it owned the place. It's dead now. Ha! Bastard spider.

Speaking of Bernie, he was whining and limping around when we got up this morning. If you were reading me when I first adopted him, then you know that he has a bum elbow, that was apparently broken at some point and never taken care of. Well, I think he wrenched it a little at some point over the night, probably when he was trying to crawl out from under my bed. Which he barely fits under in the first place. Silly Bernie. He seems to be doing better as the morning goes on, though, so I think he's okay. I hope so, because I can't afford a vet visit right now (although I will take him if necessary, of course). I'll keep an eye on him today and see how he does.

Also? I got a great night's sleep last night, and I have a ton of energy today. And I have nothing to do all day except for edit, which means sitting at my desk, on my butt, working on the computer. Not exactly a great way to expend that energy. Oh well. I'll get up periodically and dance around or something. That's pretty much a requirement when you are editing economics papers anyway.

I saw J on Friday and on Saturday, and it just keeps getting better. No kidding, we keep finding more and more that we have in common, more and more stuff that we both love (the latest, the shows Emergency! and Quantum Leap). And I keep wondering where in the world he came from, and he keeps saying the same thing to me. It's kind of scary. Of course it's still early, but I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.

Okay. I'm off to watch the rest of Friday's Ellen. Have a great Sunday!

And, because I haven't done it in a while:

Currently reading: Lisey's Story, by Stephen King
Currently watching: well, I just told you up there, but The Ellen Degeneres Show, from Friday
Currently listening: because the show is paused, my chiming wall clock, ticking, and Willow, grumbling
Currently hoping: that Bernie's leg isn't going to need veterinary attention

Relationship Rambling

This is probably going to be a very rambling, incoherent kind of entry, because my mind isn't very focused. I just wanted to log in and post a quick entry, though.

Last night went great. I was so very nervous about J coming to my house. I don't know why, really, but it was probably a mixture of things, including the fact that I kind of had to be hostess, and we had only gone out a couple of times, and even though we had talked on the phone every day that we hadn't seen each other, it's still early in the relationship, and everything is still so new. Plus there was the pressure of being alone together in a private place, instead of out in public. But I was silly to worry, and in fact I stopped as soon as he got there.

He loved my house - couldn't believe how big it was. He loved my dogs, especially Willow. He cooked me dinner and even washed the dishes afterwards (yup, that's a very good quality, right there). He brought me a half-gallon of chocolate Lactaid milk, because he knows I love it and can't buy it in any of the stores around here, so when he saw it at a store in Syracuse, he bought it for me. And when dinner was over he was looking at my DVDs and saw that I have season one of Emergency!, which he loves, so we watched a couple of episodes of it.

And we have so much in common! Way more than I have ever had in common with anyone else I've ever met. It's kind of eerie.

And now I'm boring you all with relationship talk, like I've bored you with diet talk and dog talk in the past. Sorry about that! But obviously it's what's on my mind right now.

Oh, and speaking of the diet, I have now had two people comment on my weight loss - my sister and a woman here at work. Woo! People are noticing! I have also been able to get into two different tops that used to be too tight. I LOVE that, let me tell you.

And okay, I've rambled enough here for now, I guess. Thanks for listening (reading) me as I babbled about my new relationship. Have a great Thursday, okay? :)

Oh, and you know how I wrote yesterday that Willow hadn't growled at night at all since I moved the dog beds apart on Sunday? Yeah. She was apparently thrown off her peaceful schedule last night by J being there visiting, because when I went to bed after he left, she growled like crazy for the normal 10-15 minutes. Sigh. I knew I shouldn't have jinxed things by writing about it. Silly Willow.

Pet Relations Breakthrough

I adopted Bernie back in February of this year, and ever since then (I'm sure I've mentioned this a few times before), I've been dealing with jealousy from Willow. Jealousy that comes out in the form of grumbling - growling, if you want to use the mean sounding term. Every night since I adopted him, just about, I've gone to bed to the sound of Willow grumbling for at least 15 minutes after I shut off the light. Until this week.

J is coming over to my house for the first time tonight, to make me dinner (sweet, huh?). To prepare for that, I have been a cleaning fool. When I cleaned my bedroom on Sunday morning, I picked up the dog beds on the floor and vacuumed under them and then vacuumed the hair off of them, and when I was putting them back down, I put one on the right side of the room, in front of my bookcase, and the other on the other side of the room, on this angled wall. Willow hasn't growled at night since. Who knew bedtime peace was that easy to attain? If I had known, those beds would have been on opposite sides of the room months ago!

Anyway, she's not growling at night, so I'm getting to go to sleep without yelling at her. Which is really nice. And my house? Is cleaner than it's been in literally years. And I am not kidding. I don't throw that "literal" word around, because I hate when people use it to say something stupid that didn't really happen. But this is true - my house hasn't been this clean in probably five years. My Mom would even be proud of it, and I wouldn't hesitate to invite anyone in right now. It feels good. Now why don't I do the work to keep it this way all the time?

Okay, I need to get to work. I hope you all have a great Wednesday! I plan to. :)

Date Talk

I had my second date with J on Saturday night. I went out to where he lives this time, and we had a lot of fun. We went to Target because I needed to return a sweater (that was too big, woo!) and to dinner at a place called Fresno's, then we went to the movies. Typical date stuff, really, but fun. The movie we went to was at a theater in a mall, so of course we walked around the mall for a while first, before we went in to the movie, because we were early. I didn't buy anything, but man, if I weren't completely broke, I would have bought this adorable blue monkey at Old Navy. I just tried to find him online, and don't see anything other than clothes on there, so you'll have to take my word for it - he was really cute. Oh well. I guess I didn't really need the adorable blue monkey, right?

We went to see The Guardian, which I had already seen but he hadn't, and I liked it a lot, so I didn't mind seeing it again. It was a really good movie.

And okay, boring details aside, I get a really good vibe from this guy. He looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and I haven't gotten that look from anyone in a very long time. I'm liking it. We talk on the phone every night, for about two hours each time, and we find more and more in common just about every night. I like him a lot, and I am pretty sure he likes me even more.

I don't know how much I've touched on this here before, but I have a history of basically being afraid of relationships. Until I was about 25, I ditched every guy I ever dated as soon as it looked like it might be getting serious. I don't know why, or what I was afraid of. I guess I was afraid of getting hurt. So of course the first time I actually let someone in, I fell in love and he broke up with me in a really shitty way (why do guys think it's okay to just stop calling and basically disappear?), and gave a really lame excuse when I called him on it, so of course my heart got broken. And I basically stopped trying to have relationships at all after that, because I guess my fear had been validated. You know the saying - once bitten, twice shy. It certainly was true with me.

And when I was with J on Saturday night, I had some of those same thoughts run across my mind. He is very into me - what if my feelings aren't as strong as his? What if I end up not wanting a future with him? I don't want to hurt him. And then I had to remind myself to stop. It was just that old fear talking. I like him more and more every time I talk to him - the only difference Saturday was that we were actually with each other, rather than just talking on the phone. I just need to get used to a physical proximity with him. The in person stuff is scarier.

But I did finally calm down about it, and we had a really good time. And I'm glad I haven't told him about this journal yet, because it's really nice to be able to talk to you all about this without having to censor myself (an excellent point brought up by Cathy in my comments). He's coming over on Wednesday after work to cook me dinner, an activity that I encourage, because I hate to cook and usually have cereal for dinner. I think the more time we spend with each other, the better it will all get. We need to get used to each other - you know, get to know the expressions and the body movements that are unique to every person.

And man, you should see how much cleaner my house is going to be by Wednesday. I cleaned two rooms thoroughly yesterday and have two more to do in the next two nights. I couldn't let him see that I've been living like a pig. And of course, after I got those two rooms done, I kept looking around and asking myself why I don't clean more often? It's not fun, but wow, the house looks nice! Hey, another relationship bonus - a clean house. Woo!

Okay, I have to get to work. Thanks for listening to me! And Sarah and Jamie, you can keep the teasing to a minimum, okay? Thanks. :)

Dang Leaky Roof Anyway

Crap. My roof is leaking. The place where it's leaking is in a fairly small section of the roof that is over an addition, so it's not the whole roof. Still - there's water dripping into my living room! Crap. I so don't have the money for this kind of repair.

This same section of roof leaked at the beginning of the summer, too, but it hadn't since, so I had allowed myself to hope that it would last until the spring. Now I'm not so sure. Stupid house repairs that I can't afford. Sigh.

I wonder if it's too early in the relationship to ask J if he knows how to shingle a roof? :) Probably, since we're only having our second date tonight. Dang it. I want to say I'm just kidding, but really I'm only partially kidding. I may be all liberated and independent in many ways, but if someone wanted to fix this for me and all I'd have to do was pay for materials? I would accept gratefully.

Okay, I'm off to do my anti-rain dance.

Update: I wrote this Saturday morning, but for some reason it wouldn't post. It's now Sunday afternoon. The ceiling stopped leaking after a short while, thank goodness, and it's not raining now, so I'm hoping I'll be okay. For now, anyway. Also, I had another great date last night. I could get used to this whole relationship thing. :)

A Nice Surprise

I came home after work yesterday afternoon, and I had a message on my machine from a florist. They had a delivery for me, and wanted me to call them when I got home so that they could get directions to my house and deliver them. So exciting! I of course called them right away, and then sat and waited for them to get there. Pretty soon they pulled up, and brought me these:

They're from J, of course. Oh, and he loves Halloween, which explains the theme of them. How sweet is that?

I haven't mentioned my diet lately, but it's still going - don't worry, I haven't quit. It's still going slowly, which is totally because I only behave for half of the week, or thereabouts. I'm still not doing so well on behaving for at least five days out of seven. I keep losing a little bit more every week, though, so it's okay. I can be patient, as long as it keeps coming off.

Okay, I have to get to work now. I just wanted to show you all my flowers. :) Have a great Thursday!

Lots of goodness

During my phone conversation with J (the new guy - I figure his initial is safe to use, right?) last night, I discovered that he also picks all of the crap out of his fried rice, eating only the rice. I have never met anyone else who does this. He claims that he is a picky eater, and I maintain that I have to be more picky than him, because I am more picky when it comes to food than anyone else I know, with the possible exception of Sarah (but we're close). I also found out his middle name, which he hates, and didn't want to tell me. But he mentioned it, and you can't mention that you hate your middle name without telling the other person what said name is. Right? Right. So I wheedled it out of him. Ha. I am good.

Anyway, the point is, the more we talk, the more we find that we have in common, and it's kind of scary. How is this guy who I just happened to meet online so much like me? Because it's kind of freaking me out. But it's great.

And in non-guy related news, the Sims 2 Pets is on its way to me! I tracked it this morning, and it was last seen in my town post office, which means it should be in my mailbox when I go home tonight. Woo! Of course, I won't really have time to load it up and start to play with it until Sunday, but still. It'll be in my house, waiting for me, taunting me with its pet-ness. And that's a good thing. Soon, the family that I play will have a Sim-ulated version of Bernie and Willow. The poor things.

Have I mentioned here before that I am lactose intolerant? Well, I am. And I also happen to have a brother-in-law who works at the local milk plant where they make Lactaid milk. And he has been telling me that they make chocolate Lactaid milk. And I said I refused to believe him until I held some of it in my hands, because they don't sell it in the stores around here. And he never remembered to bring me any, until! I went to my sister's house for dinner last night, and there was a half gallon, waiting for me! It was amazing, and it was yummy, and I loved it. He now has to bring it to me every week, or I will be vastly disappointed. :)

Okay, I have to get back to work. The boss is out of her meeting, so break time is over. Ha. Lator gators!

Good Stuff

So, remember a few posts ago, when I alluded to some potentially exciting news that I couldn't share yet? Well, I can share it now.

A while ago I went onto eHarmony and I filled out their personality profile thing. It took forever, and I wasn't planning on actually paying to contact anyone, but I wanted to see who they would match me up with. Once I finished filling the thing out, they gave me a list of matches, and I looked at them and thought there were some pretty nice ones there. But again, I wasn't planning on actually contacting anyone, so I didn't do anything else. And then one of them tried to contact me.

Long story short, I responded to the guy, and we did the closed communication thing on eHarmony for a while, which has you sending questions and answers back and forth and listing the things you want and don't want in a relationship. We made it past that stage and started to e-mail, and then we started to talk on the phone, and last night we finally had a first date.

And obviously, since I'm writing about it here, the date went well. Very well. I liked him a lot, and he liked me, and now it seems like I'm dating someone! Which I haven't done in a long time, so it feels very weird. Good, but weird. He doesn't know about this site yet, so I won't give any details about him here, other than to just say that I'm really excited to see where this goes.

Also, Man of the Year is a very funny movie. I recommend it. Okay, good news over for today. I hope you all are having a good weekend. I know I sure am! And on top of the good time last night, I get to hang out with Jamie today and have Chinese food for lunch (probably) and watch a whole lot of Nip/Tuck. It's a good weekend. :)

Pictures!

I took a few pictures in the last few days. Do you wanna see? Of course you do!

Jamie and Sarah went to the greenhouse on campus, and Jamie bought me a rose! He's so nice to me. Also, dig on my cool vase.

Bernie likes my new treadmill - it makes a great dog bed, apparently!

I had to drive to Lake Placid yesterday for work, and took a few shots from my car. Road trip! This doesn't show it very well, but I actually saw some nice fall color about halfway between my house and Lake Placid.

That mountain looks so imposing sitting at the end of the road, doesn't it?

A bad sideways shot of a lake, as I was approaching the town of Lake Placid.

And as a side note, if you're ever thinking about driving four hours to go to a meeting, then turning around and driving back the same day? Don't do it. It is NOT fun. Especially if it's going to downpour when you're driving back in the dark. Like it did yesterday. Sigh. Consider that my word of advice for the day.

And the Stupidity Award Goes To...

And the award for stupidity for the day goes to...my fuel oil people! Congratulations, fuel oil people. You are the most stupid people I came across today.

Backstory: I called a week and a half ago to order fuel oil to be delivered to my house, and asked them if they could have the driver go down to the basement and prime the furnace to get it running again, because I ran out of fuel in March and didn't order more at the time because, quite frankly, I had paid them enough money for one winter. So even though I have fuel oil now, the furnace isn't going to run until it's primed. I told the guy on the phone, when I ordered it, that no one would be home, but that they could get into the basement from the bilco doors in the back of the house. He said no problem.

Today was delivery day. I came home to find the bill in my door, and written on the bottom of it was a note - no one was home. Meaning they couldn't get in to start the furnace for me. Grrr. So I pick up the phone and call the fuel place, and get the same person on the phone that I had talked to a week and a half ago, when I ordered the fuel. And I explained the situation to him, and he said something stupid like, "yeah, now that you mention it, I remember you saying that they could get into the basement from the bilco doors. And the delivery guy called me from his cell phone when he saw that no one was home to let him in, and it never occured to me to suggest he try the back."

And there you have it. He is the winner for most stupid person of the day.

Also, he said someone would be out, but he "couldn't say when. They have a busy week ahead." I'm really ashamed that this place shares my last name (no relation, luckily). I guess my space heaters will continue to get a work out for a while. Sigh.

Weekend Stuff

My weekends seem to go one of two ways, generally. Either I spend the entire time at home alone, relaxing and playing the Sims and wishing by Sunday night that I had someone to share my time with regularly, because I've gotten lonely after two days of seeing no one, or I have plans for at least half of the weekend that keep me busy and social. This weekend was the second kind - yesterday I was all social and today alone and relaxing.

So, really, it's the perfect weekend.

Yesterday, I had lunch with an old friend. We spent an hour or so catching up on each other's lives, and generally having a great conversation. It was a lot of fun seeing her and catching up. And since the place where we met for lunch was in the same mall area as a TJ Maxx and a Target, I went shopping afterwards. I got the perfect pair of black shoes, which I am in love with. They look great with jeans but I can wear them to work, too. They have a heel, but it's only about 2 1/2 inches high, so I can walk in them without killing my feet. And they make my feet look positively tiny. Not that they're large to begin with, but still. They are the perfect shoes, and I am really glad to have found them. I also got a couple of sweaters, so it was a successful trip.

Then I went home and popped in Click, and I was only 15 minutes into it when my phone rang. It was Jamie, asking me if I wanted to go to the mall with him. So I did, and we had fun like we always do, and we got Friendly's for dinner, and I got the new Bob Seger CD, because I saw it and I love Bob Seger, so I had to buy it. I listened to it this morning, and it was great.

So really, it was the perfect Saturday. And today I've been watching TV and a movie (Meet the Fockers, this time), and playing the Sims and wearing my new shoes around the house to break them in, and it's a great day. And that excitement that I hinted about in my last entry is now only six days away. Oh, I hope it works out. We'll see. (And yes, I'll tell you if it does, I swear.)

And now I'm going to sit back and watch a week's worth of General Hospital episodes. I hope you are all having great weekends.

Health Update

I had my doctor's appointment this morning. My blood pressure was better than it was a couple of months ago - the top number was a little high, but the bottom number was normal. And according to the nurse, the bottom one is the one they really worry about if it's high. I told the doctor about my diet and how I've started walking on the treadmill that I just got, and she said that sounds great, and it's the best way to get it down. But she wants me to go back in three months to get it checked again, just to see if it's normal. So I'll go back in January for that.

And they didn't tell me to fast before my appointment, and I have to do that before they can check my cholesterol, so I have to go back in Monday morning before work to have them draw blood. So I guess I won't really know if there is anything else I need to worry about until sometime next week. But really, I'm on the right track with the dieting and walking anyway.

And when I left the doctor's, I went to the bank and applied for a consolidation loan to get rid of some credit card bills. They'll probably say no, because I have too much debt, but until I find out for sure next week, I can at least hope. And if by some miracle they do say yes, I'll be in a much better situation financially than I am in now. So my fingers are crossed.

Look at me, taking care of my health and trying to get my finances under control. I think, at 37 years old, I might finally be an adult. Woo!

Excitement in every paragraph :P

I came home from work last night, and there was a treadmill in my living room! How exciting! It's like I have my very own little exercise machine fairy. Don't you wish you had one?

Actually, the treadmill came from my sister, who very generously loaned (gave? I'm not clear on that) hers to me. I spent half an hour or so last night moving it around the living room trying to find a place that I could put it where it could be plugged into the only three pronged outlet in my living room and still be pointed at the TV. It wasn't easy, and I'm not completely happy with where it ended up, but it'll work. Then I got on it and spent 15 minutes or so trying to figure out how it worked. I think I mostly have it figured out now. Then I stopped and had some cereal for dinner and waited for a phone call that I was expecting, so I'll actually use it for the first time tonight. Exciting! I wonder how long it'll take me to hate it?

I have tomorrow off from work, because it's finally the day of my physical at the doctor's! I have written out a list of stuff to talk to her about, and I put it in my purse so that I'll have it while I'm there. Otherwise I'll walk out of there and an hour later will go, d'oh! I forgot...whatever. I'm kind of excited to be going, weirdly. I just feel like it's time to have a complete going over, so that I can find out what I need to do to make sure I'll be as healthy as possible, given my particular gene pool of horribleness. There are so many land mines lurking in my genes that it isn't funny, so it'll be nice to find out how to avoid them all. I'll probably write tomorrow about what I found out while I was there. Hopefully I haven't done too much damage to myself yet. Cross your fingers for me, 'kay? Thanks.

There has been some other excitement in my life in the last couple of weeks, but I don't feel comfortable mentioning it here until I know if anything is going to come of it. So instead I'll mention it without giving even the slightest bit of detail, and drive you all crazy. Mua ha ha. (That was my evil laugh, by the way.) If I don't mention anything else about this, then you'll know it didn't work. If it does work, then you'll read about it in a couple of weeks. Cryptic enough for you? Yeah, sorry.

And hey, just like that, it's almost time to go home for the day! Excellent and exciting. I hope you are all having a great week, wherever you are!

Fall Morning

I just went outside with the dogs, and it is such a beautiful fall morning. The geese are flying around and honking, the leaves are turning and it's sunny but just a little cool. I couldn't capture the sound of the geese for you, or the feel of the air, but here a few of the visuals for you.


From top to bottom: the windmills across from my house, a bad shot of the geese flying around, the view from my side yard, a look up into the yellow leaved tree in my yard, beautiful Bernie and a nicely posed Willow. Please ignore the crap on the porch behind Willow - I need to get that cleaned off, once the spiders are dead and gone.

One Year!

Woo! I can't believe a year has gone by already. And my blog and I are still here! So exciting!

The closest thing you're gonna get to a before picture

I thought maybe I would post a picture of myself here finally. As the title says, this is the closest you're going to get to a before picture. I hope the double chin and round face leave me soon, because I sure do hate them. But, this is me. Be kind, for my self-esteem is fragile. (Picture by Sarah.)

Bossless

My boss is out of the office today and tomorrow. Yay! I like my boss, but I like it when she's gone, too, mostly because I sit right outside of her office, and she has a steady stream of people in and out of her office all day, and they all have to walk right by my desk. It's nice to have a break from that when she's gone.

And Monday is Columbus Day here in the states, and I'm actually going to have it off! Three day weekends rock. I am going to a candle party on Saturday, I think, but I don't have any plans for the rest of the weekend, I don't think. There will be a lot of relaxing, reading, TV watching and Sim playing in my house on Sunday and Monday. Which is excellent

So, I stepped on my scale this morning. I am down two pounds from last Friday's weight, and I am down ten pounds overall so far. Yay! I was very excited to finally reach that number. Ten down, a larger-than-it-should-be-number-that-I'm-not-going-to-write-here to go! Woo! And I'm hoping to have a treadmill in my possession by next week - I have two people who might have one to give me/sell me. If one of them works out, then I'll be walking on it every night soon. I hope one of them does work out. I haven't been very good at the exercising thing. I'm pretty good at controlling my eating, but I just can't get myself to do aerobics everyday. Hopefully the treadmill will get me moving on the exercise front.

And okay, I suddenly seem to have run out of things to talk about for now. Check back tomorrow, though, because it's a special occasion in this space tomorrow. Ooh, suspense! Have a great Thursday!