Sick and Hungry, etc.

I'm hungry and my head hurts. Aren't you glad you came to my page today? Don't worry, I won't bitch the whole entry.

So, Thanksgiving break was over yesterday, for everyone except me. I started feeling kind of crappy Saturday night, and was feeling decidedly more crappy yesterday morning, so I called in sick, went back to bed and slept until Noon. Then I had lunch and laid down and watched Nanny McPhee in bed. Then I got up and went to the living room and laid down in my recliner and watched four or five back episodes of Smallville (I'm all caught up now, woo!), then I watched yesterday's Ellen and last week's Everbody Hates Chris. Exciting, right? I thought so. And I was in my pajamas all day, and didn't brush my teeth or my hair until I was getting ready for bed. All in all, it was a pretty decent sick day.

And this morning I felt better, and well rested since I slept so much yesterday and then got a good 8 1/2 hours last night, so I jumped out of bed and got ready for work. Then felt like I needed a nap, because it's just so much work taking a shower! So I guess I'm not 100% yet, but I'm getting there. I do still have that stinking headache, though.

J is coming over tonight after work, and we are going to have dinner (barbecue sauce soaked chicken tenders, baked, and flavored rice of some sort that he's bringing to make) and then...I am going to introduce him to Buffy. It is my goal to make him love it at least close to as much as I do. And to make him watch all seven seasons with me. Woo! I hope it works. Because frankly, if we're going to have a long future, it seems necessary to be able to talk Buffy together. And yes, that is a sad statement of my geekdom when it comes to that show. But, I am not ashamed. I love it, and I miss watching it every week.

Also, he started calling me Sweetie this weekend, without even realizing he was doing it, and I loved it. And I'm missing him when he isn't with me, and yes, somehow he wormed his way into my relationship phobic heart. I still can't say those three words back to him, but he's important to me now. Which I'm kind of liking. Also, he invited me to come to his family's Christmas Eve get together with him. Is it okay if I start stressing over that now? Cuz, oy. Lots of family members who I've never met and strange foods that I don't know if I will want to or be able to eat (I'm very picky and lactose intolerant, which makes it pretty difficult). He's Polish. There will be perogies and other weird things there. I am going to have to be brave and try things. Yikes. I'm thinking of getting back at him by inviting him to my family's house for Christmas. We don't eat weird stuff, but if he came to my sister's house for Christmas, he would be faced with about...let me count...16 people from my family, all at once, and he would only have maybe met my sister and her husband before then. I don't know if I will actually ask him if he wants to come, but I'm tempted, because if I have to be stressed, then he should have to be too, right? Kidding. Sort of.

Okay. I guess that's all the talk I have in me for now. I'm going to go see if I can steal some Advil from someone, because I'm sick of this headache hanging around. Happy Tuesday!

Thanksgiving Weekend Recap

I am so tired. I am going to be in bed early tonight, and I hope to sleep hard and straight through until the alarm goes off at 6:30. Ugh. I like my job, but I hate going back to it after I've had four days off. It's so difficult!

I had a good weekend, though. Thanksgiving on Thursday was of course at my sister's house. She had four of her six kids there, two of them with their respective significant others, so it was a full table. Dinner was great, and my sister's family is fantastic, and my niece immediately made herself my favorite when she hugged me and asked if I was "wasting away." Hee. She's good.

And I spent a lot of time with J this weekend, too. I saw him every day, which was nice. He even brought his dogs over to my house, so that they wouldn't be at his house alone so much, so we introduced them to my dogs. I was a little bit stressed about that, but it went okay. The two females - Willow and his female basset hound - were full of attitude and wanted to let everyone else know that they were the top dog of the bunch, but Bernie and his male dog were so laid back and accepting and friendly. They were very cute. His dog is a West Highland White Terrier, and of course Bernie is a gigantic Bernese Mountain Dog mix, so it was really cute when he let his terrier out into the living room with Bernie, and the first thing Bernie wanted to do was play. He has no concept of size, and I wouldn't leave them alone together for too long for fear he would hurt the terrier by accident, but it was extremely cute. (And I feel the need to explain that even though they met each other, his dogs spent the time they were here in my mudroom, so the dogs only actually mixed when they first got here and when he let his terrier out for a few minutes with Bernie. If this relationship keeps going the way it has, we may have to deal with integrating them more fully, but for now just having them meet was enough.)

Anyway, we had a lot of fun, watched a lot of stuff on DVD and got way more comfortable with each other, the way that you have to spend time together to do. It was nice. Although I still can't say those three words back yet. He hasn't said them to me again, though, so it hasn't been an issue. He knows my relationship issues, and doesn't want to rush or pressure me, which I appreciate.

I also got a little bit of editing done for my good friend Sally, who has been working so hard that I've hardly gotten to talk to her in ages. (Sally? If you read this, we need to rectify that! I love the work that you give me, and I'm glad that you're doing well, but I miss you!)

And somehow that is the end of my recap! Exciting, huh? It was good, though. I'd even show you pictures, if I had taken any. :)

Three Big Words

J told me last night that he is in love with me. I couldn't say it back yet.

I'm not freaking.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thankful

Sundry posted a blog a few minutes ago and asked people to comment on what they were grateful for. I posted the following, and liked what I wrote so much that I'm posting it here:

I am grateful that, somehow, I find myself in a new relationship with a man who thinks I am beautiful and nice and sexy and hot and wants to be with me every minute of every day, and would if our lives would allow it. And he wants to take me on vacations and spend money on me and he makes me feel treasured and valuable, and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.

Also, I am grateful for the best sister that anyone could ask for (she feeds me dinner once a week, just as an excuse for me to be able to come over and spend time with her and get a good meal in me at the same time) and great friends who make me laugh on a daily basis with their weird senses of humor. I’m also grateful for my house full of animals who all have their own interesting personalities.

And I’m happy to have the chance to share my gratitude in my blog and in the comments sections of other blogs. And of course I’m happy to have great journals/blogs to read while I’m *cough* working. :)

Then Jessamyn posted her comment from Sundry's blog and asked us to also post what we were grateful for, so I posted it there, too. This comment is getting around!

And because I think this is a nice thing to perpetuate, please comment and let me know what you're feeling grateful for this year. I can't wait to see!

"We" and "Us" Sound SOOO Weird

I had a good weekend. I spent all day Saturday editing - and I do mean ALL day. I started at about 9:30 in the morning and kept at it until about 9:30 at night. I took an hour and a half break at dinner time, because if I had to read one more line of economics stuff right then I would have committed suicide, but still. That is a LOT of time editing in one day. But, I got it all done, so I was able to spend Sunday relaxing.

So of course J came over Sunday. He got there at about 11:00, and we went to lunch at Wendy's and went to see Stranger than Fiction, which I enjoyed. And I just kept sighing in happiness to not be editing, so regardless of what the movie had been like, I would have been happy.

We also spent some time on Sunday talking. J got offered a job, doing basically the same thing he does now but for a different company, and making somewhere in the neighborhood of $6 an hour more than he makes now. That's a no brainer, right? So he's accepting it. And I asked him what he was going to do with all of his new found wealth, and he asked me if I would take a vacation with him to Chicago. Um, hell yes! I love Chicago. So, at some point, once he's been there a while and has saved up some moula, we'll be taking a trip to Chicago, where we'll explore the city, go to a game at Wrigley Field (I've never been to a baseball game, so that should be an interesting experience) and just generally enjoy being away from home, in a city that draws me for reasons I have never fully understood. Good stuff.

He also sat down with me before he left yesterday, and talked to me about this new job. He wanted to make sure that I would be okay with the fact that he will be on call a lot more than he is now (although most problems that may arise could be taken care of with the laptop that he'll be issued, but he might occasionally have to leave to go in to work). Of course I am - he needs to take the job, if it will be best for him, and you do what you have to do to make that kind of money. And he said that he wanted to make sure I was okay with that, because he could see us being together long-term. And you know what? A couple of weeks ago, that would have made me run screaming (shoot, I was almost running screaming just from the implication of that, much less the actual verbalization of it). Now? It made me feel good. I like him a lot - more and more all the time, actually. I can actually see a long future with him myself.

And you know what? That is such an alien concept to me. I have never been in a relationship for longer than three months, mostly because of the whole relationship phobia that I've had going my whole life. I've never thought of myself in terms of a couple - my pronouns have always been "I' and "me," not "we" or "us." It's an adjustment. I have trouble thinking of him as my boyfriend, even though he asked me officially if I would be his girlfriend a few weeks ago (pre-freak out). And that's nothing to do with him - it's just not something I've ever done. I'm liking it, though.

Plus, he's going to help me fix my roof. And he said that once he started getting paid from his new job, I would never have to pay for anything ever again when he was with me. Which is a very sweet thing for him to say. Not that I would actually let him pay for everything when we're together. If he wants to buy me dinner or whatever, fine, but there is a limit. Still, it was nice. He wants to take care of me. No man has ever done that (except for family). I could get used to it. Once I unbend enough to let him start, anyway. :)

And okay, I've bored you enough with this for now, and I need to get back to work anyway. I hope you all had a great weekend, and that my U.S. readers will have a great Thanksgiving week, in case I don't check back in before the big turkey day.

Holidailies 2006

I just registered for Holidailies 2006, which means I'll be updating daily for the month of December. Yay! Last year I only missed one day, when I just forgot about it. We'll see if I can hit them all this year. Of course, J doesn't know about this blog yet, so it may be more of a challenge. We'll see how I do.

Also, it has come to my attention that a new reader was confused as to the identity of J. J is NOT Jamie. Jamie remains a good friend, but he is not who I'm dating. J just happens to also have a name that starts with J - for some reason I seem to draw men with J names to me. Sorry for any confusion. Maybe I should do a who's who entry sometime soon, and put a link to it in the sidebar. Hmm. I'll think about that. Let me know if that would help you out, okay?

And I'm really sorry for the short update today, but I really just wanted to let you all know to check this site daily in December. Now I have to get back to editing. I'm attempting to finish this editing job today, which means editing two chapters, including the main text, a summary and two comment papers. For each chapter. Fun! If I'm going to get it all done, and not be working until Midnight to do it, I need to get back at it.

But not before I say that things with J are going great. I like him more and more each time we see each other.

Okay, that is all. I hope you are all having wonderful, relaxing weekends. If I get this editing done, I'll get to relax for at least half of it! Woo! Bye!

Revelations

I went to my sister's house for dinner last night, like I do every Monday. I really enjoy going there once a week, and I love that they have taken it upon themselves to invite me. I feel like I'm a real part of their family. Even their dog loves me now! She gets all excited to see me and everything. Even when I don't have any leftovers to give her (yes, I bribe dogs for their affection - I am not stupid).

This week after dinner was over, my brother-in-law went to bed for a few hours, because he works the overnight shift, and hadn't gotten much sleep. Which left just me and my sister to sit and talk. I told her about the panic attacks I had last week, about my relationship with J. I told her about my fear of intimacy, and how it usually (according to the research I've done on it) stems from something that happens when a person is small child - some traumatic event happens that the child thinks is their fault, and because of that, they think they must be a horrible, flawed person to have made it happen. When I read that, I didn't know of anything that might have happened in my life that was that traumatic. I mean, my Dad died in an accident, but I was only two at the time, and he was gone most of the time driving truck anyway, so could that have been it? I had no idea. I knew I suffered from the fear of intimacy, but didn't really figure I'd ever know why.

Until our talk last night, when my sister told me that in the year or so after Dad died, our Mom basically turned into a different person. She was out partying a lot, drinking and hanging out in bars and basically not spending much time at all with us kids. My sister was left taking care of me and my brothers, for the most part (and she was only 12 when my Dad died). So that you can get an idea of the timeline here, my Dad died when I was two years and ten months old. Between that time and when my Step-Dad moved in, probably a year or so passed. But even after Wayne (my step-dad) moved in, my Mom was still apparently spending most of her time out away from the family. That summer (most likely the summer I turned four), my step-dad was working at a campsite on a lake, and we got to stay there for free while he was working there. My sister said that at one point we were hanging out at the lake. She and Mom were sitting on the shore talking, and I was in the water, sitting down in water about waist deep, playing. A boat went by and caused a wave, and it scared me, so I got up and ran toward my sister and my mother, yelling, "Mommy, Mommy!" My mother opened her arms for me, but I ran to my sister instead. When she asked me why I ran to my sister instead of to her, I told her "I don't want you, I want my real mommy." Ouch.

Anyway, that's basically a long ass way of saying that between the ages of three and four, I basically had no parents except for my sister, and it is entirely conceivable that I thought in my little three year old mind that I must have done something horrible to make my Mom not want to be around me anymore, and to leave me. And that belief could very well have caused this deep seated feeling that I was unworthy in some way, which in turn led to a pretty paralyzing fear of letting anyone get close to me.

And I want to say right here that I am in no way blaming my mother for any of this. She was going through a hell of a lot at that time. She lost her brother in a car accident and then her husband in a different accident just ten days later. She was left as the sole provider for five kids, ranging in age from 14 - 2. She had a lot of grieving to do, and everyone does that in their own way. Having lived through the grief of losing her, I know how hard that can be - and I didn't have five kids to take care of by myself.

But, it did give me a lot of insight into myself. And I told J about it, because he had been very confused by this whole situation that I had dumped on him last week, and I think it helped him to understand, too. And now that I know why I ended up like this, and now that I've worked through that first initial panic attack, I think J and I are going to be able to be fine. I'm not saying that I won't have any more panic attacks in the future, but I really think the worst is behind us. Now we can move on and just enjoy getting to know each other better and better. And that is very good.

And now I have yet another reason to be grateful for the existence of my sister in my life. You should all be so lucky as to have a sister like her.

Good Weekend News

After all of that freaking out I did last week, I had a great weekend with J. We hung out, we watched movies, we spent a lot of time just talking and relaxing and getting more comfortable with each other. It was exactly what I needed. I don't think I'll be freaking out anymore.

So now that I'm not freaking out, I can actually once again enjoy having a man in my life, who treats me like a desirable, beautiful woman who he is lucky to be with. That is a really nice way to be treated, and after too many years of being alone, I can certainly appreciate it. When I'm not panicking, anyway. :)

I also managed to lose 1.5 more pounds in the last couple of days, so I celebrated by eating leftover take-out Chinese food and thin mint Girl Scout cookies. I am now so stuffed that I feel like I'm going to burst. Oh man. It's a good thing I only eat like this once a week now.

And now I'm out of things to say, so I'm going to go watch last week's Grey's Anatomy while I edit. I hope you all had a great weekend!

Can you take more talk?

Can you take more relationship talk? I hope so, because here it comes! The last I posted, I had calmed down again, and was back to letting things flow. And then last night when we were talking on the phone, I started freaking out again, so this morning I sent him an e-mail and outlined my whole relationship phobia. I'm sure it was a bit much to send through e-mail, but I needed to tell him, and that was the way I felt safest. I told him about how I tend to find a reason to break up with guys whenever they start getting too close, and I told him that I had been at that point all week, and fighting it. And I asked him if we could just slow down for a while, until I feel more comfortable. He responded and seemed to understand as well as he could, and we're going to talk about it more tonight. But for now the pressure that I've been feeling is off, which is a very good thing.

So tonight we're going to get Chinese food for dinner, and we're going to watch Cars and at some point we'll talk about this whole thing, and I'll explain as best I can what I've been going through. It should be an interesting night. Oh, to be a normal person who can have a relationship without freaking out.

And that's all I'll say about that for now, because you're probably sick of reading about it, and I'm certainly sick of thinking about it and writing about it.

So, as a subject changer, as of today I have officially lost 14.8 pounds. I'm only .2 pounds away from 15! I'm very happy about it. I'm hoping to lose 20 before this challenge is over, which it will be the second week of December, I think, so that's enough time. I just have to be good enough to get there. I'm feeling and seeing the change now, though, which I love. Woo! It's a good thing in my life, and I need that right now.

Okay. I'm out of talk now. I hope you all will have a great weekend! I'm going to certainly try to.

Whew, Calmer Now

If you care at all, you'll be happy to know that I've calmed way the fuck down about the whole thing with J. I've come to the conclusion that it really was my inner relationship phobic freak trying to get me to run from yet another decent guy. But! Thanks to some nice comments from you people and a lot of writing about the whole situation, both in here and in my super secret for my eyes only personal journal (which you should be really happy you don't have to read, because the last day's entries are like what I posted in here times 1,000), I've opened my mind back up, calmed down and am letting things continue on once again. Who knows, I may actually turn into a real grown-up who can have a relationship that lasts longer than a month. Maybe.

Also, I wasn't kidding about mouse season being open. I came home from work yesterday to find a dead mouse on the floor in front of my bathroom door. I don't know if it was the one I rescued, who was stupid enough to come back in, or if it was one of his friends or relatives, but either way, it was dead. Luckily, it was just dead and not torn apart. It's a good thing I'm not squeamish about dead rodents, though. I picked it up with some toilet paper, threw it into the weeds outside, threw the paper into the recycling bin and that was that. I'm just wondering if I should bother to keep a head count this year, since the cats are starting so early in the season. I think I'm afraid to see how big that number could get by spring.

Anyway, thanks once again for reading my blathering, and for being my sounding board when I'm freaking out. I'm glad Sarah talked me into starting this blog a year ago. It's good therapy! :)

Mind Dumping

Hunting season has begun, and no, I'm not talking about all of the people who go hunt deer at this time of year. Nope, the hunting I'm talking about concerns mice, and Sable has declared it open season on them, starting yesterday. She was playing with a little mouse in my dining room last night. I like when the cats kill mice, because they just don't belong in my house. But I also can't let them torture the poor creatures while I'm home and awake. So, I scooped it up in a paper cup and let it loose outside. It was probably going to die anyway, from the damage Sable had already done to it, but I just had to rescue the poor thing. If it lived, I hope it's not stupid enough to come back in. A house with five cats is not a safe place for a mouse.

So. Are you ready for a little relationship talk? Because I have something on my mind, and I need to get it out. It feels a little funny to talk about this stuff online, but so far I don't have many readers, and the ones I have are all very nice, cool people, so it doesn't feel as weird as it maybe should (although I'm kind of glad my sister never started reading, or any of her kids who know about this, either, because that would be a whole different thing). I've been dating J for about a month, now, I think? Pretty close, anyway. And everything has been going pretty well. We have a lot in common, and he pretty much worships the ground I walk on, which is always a good quality in a guy, right? But I'm getting to that point where I have always wanted to just cut and run before. He is SO into me, and it scares me.

And this whole thing is just me doing the old thing that I've always done in relationships - wanting to split as soon as the person started getting too close (or at the first sign of a problem). What is wrong with me? I don't want to be alone, and yet I seem to do everything I can to make myself that way. Maybe I need counseling.

So while I work this out in my head, I'm just maintaining the status quo with J - I'm not going to make any decisions out of fear that I will regret later.

And wow, thanks for listening to me while I work all of this stuff out, okay? It's good to have this space to write about this stuff, so that I can get it out of my head. And I'm REALLY glad I never told him about this blog.

Random Sunday Stuff

I was just petting Bernie, who was half on my lap even though he is gigantic, and I saw a spider on the floor, just walking around like it owned the place. It's dead now. Ha! Bastard spider.

Speaking of Bernie, he was whining and limping around when we got up this morning. If you were reading me when I first adopted him, then you know that he has a bum elbow, that was apparently broken at some point and never taken care of. Well, I think he wrenched it a little at some point over the night, probably when he was trying to crawl out from under my bed. Which he barely fits under in the first place. Silly Bernie. He seems to be doing better as the morning goes on, though, so I think he's okay. I hope so, because I can't afford a vet visit right now (although I will take him if necessary, of course). I'll keep an eye on him today and see how he does.

Also? I got a great night's sleep last night, and I have a ton of energy today. And I have nothing to do all day except for edit, which means sitting at my desk, on my butt, working on the computer. Not exactly a great way to expend that energy. Oh well. I'll get up periodically and dance around or something. That's pretty much a requirement when you are editing economics papers anyway.

I saw J on Friday and on Saturday, and it just keeps getting better. No kidding, we keep finding more and more that we have in common, more and more stuff that we both love (the latest, the shows Emergency! and Quantum Leap). And I keep wondering where in the world he came from, and he keeps saying the same thing to me. It's kind of scary. Of course it's still early, but I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.

Okay. I'm off to watch the rest of Friday's Ellen. Have a great Sunday!

And, because I haven't done it in a while:

Currently reading: Lisey's Story, by Stephen King
Currently watching: well, I just told you up there, but The Ellen Degeneres Show, from Friday
Currently listening: because the show is paused, my chiming wall clock, ticking, and Willow, grumbling
Currently hoping: that Bernie's leg isn't going to need veterinary attention

Relationship Rambling

This is probably going to be a very rambling, incoherent kind of entry, because my mind isn't very focused. I just wanted to log in and post a quick entry, though.

Last night went great. I was so very nervous about J coming to my house. I don't know why, really, but it was probably a mixture of things, including the fact that I kind of had to be hostess, and we had only gone out a couple of times, and even though we had talked on the phone every day that we hadn't seen each other, it's still early in the relationship, and everything is still so new. Plus there was the pressure of being alone together in a private place, instead of out in public. But I was silly to worry, and in fact I stopped as soon as he got there.

He loved my house - couldn't believe how big it was. He loved my dogs, especially Willow. He cooked me dinner and even washed the dishes afterwards (yup, that's a very good quality, right there). He brought me a half-gallon of chocolate Lactaid milk, because he knows I love it and can't buy it in any of the stores around here, so when he saw it at a store in Syracuse, he bought it for me. And when dinner was over he was looking at my DVDs and saw that I have season one of Emergency!, which he loves, so we watched a couple of episodes of it.

And we have so much in common! Way more than I have ever had in common with anyone else I've ever met. It's kind of eerie.

And now I'm boring you all with relationship talk, like I've bored you with diet talk and dog talk in the past. Sorry about that! But obviously it's what's on my mind right now.

Oh, and speaking of the diet, I have now had two people comment on my weight loss - my sister and a woman here at work. Woo! People are noticing! I have also been able to get into two different tops that used to be too tight. I LOVE that, let me tell you.

And okay, I've rambled enough here for now, I guess. Thanks for listening (reading) me as I babbled about my new relationship. Have a great Thursday, okay? :)

Oh, and you know how I wrote yesterday that Willow hadn't growled at night at all since I moved the dog beds apart on Sunday? Yeah. She was apparently thrown off her peaceful schedule last night by J being there visiting, because when I went to bed after he left, she growled like crazy for the normal 10-15 minutes. Sigh. I knew I shouldn't have jinxed things by writing about it. Silly Willow.

Pet Relations Breakthrough

I adopted Bernie back in February of this year, and ever since then (I'm sure I've mentioned this a few times before), I've been dealing with jealousy from Willow. Jealousy that comes out in the form of grumbling - growling, if you want to use the mean sounding term. Every night since I adopted him, just about, I've gone to bed to the sound of Willow grumbling for at least 15 minutes after I shut off the light. Until this week.

J is coming over to my house for the first time tonight, to make me dinner (sweet, huh?). To prepare for that, I have been a cleaning fool. When I cleaned my bedroom on Sunday morning, I picked up the dog beds on the floor and vacuumed under them and then vacuumed the hair off of them, and when I was putting them back down, I put one on the right side of the room, in front of my bookcase, and the other on the other side of the room, on this angled wall. Willow hasn't growled at night since. Who knew bedtime peace was that easy to attain? If I had known, those beds would have been on opposite sides of the room months ago!

Anyway, she's not growling at night, so I'm getting to go to sleep without yelling at her. Which is really nice. And my house? Is cleaner than it's been in literally years. And I am not kidding. I don't throw that "literal" word around, because I hate when people use it to say something stupid that didn't really happen. But this is true - my house hasn't been this clean in probably five years. My Mom would even be proud of it, and I wouldn't hesitate to invite anyone in right now. It feels good. Now why don't I do the work to keep it this way all the time?

Okay, I need to get to work. I hope you all have a great Wednesday! I plan to. :)

Date Talk

I had my second date with J on Saturday night. I went out to where he lives this time, and we had a lot of fun. We went to Target because I needed to return a sweater (that was too big, woo!) and to dinner at a place called Fresno's, then we went to the movies. Typical date stuff, really, but fun. The movie we went to was at a theater in a mall, so of course we walked around the mall for a while first, before we went in to the movie, because we were early. I didn't buy anything, but man, if I weren't completely broke, I would have bought this adorable blue monkey at Old Navy. I just tried to find him online, and don't see anything other than clothes on there, so you'll have to take my word for it - he was really cute. Oh well. I guess I didn't really need the adorable blue monkey, right?

We went to see The Guardian, which I had already seen but he hadn't, and I liked it a lot, so I didn't mind seeing it again. It was a really good movie.

And okay, boring details aside, I get a really good vibe from this guy. He looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and I haven't gotten that look from anyone in a very long time. I'm liking it. We talk on the phone every night, for about two hours each time, and we find more and more in common just about every night. I like him a lot, and I am pretty sure he likes me even more.

I don't know how much I've touched on this here before, but I have a history of basically being afraid of relationships. Until I was about 25, I ditched every guy I ever dated as soon as it looked like it might be getting serious. I don't know why, or what I was afraid of. I guess I was afraid of getting hurt. So of course the first time I actually let someone in, I fell in love and he broke up with me in a really shitty way (why do guys think it's okay to just stop calling and basically disappear?), and gave a really lame excuse when I called him on it, so of course my heart got broken. And I basically stopped trying to have relationships at all after that, because I guess my fear had been validated. You know the saying - once bitten, twice shy. It certainly was true with me.

And when I was with J on Saturday night, I had some of those same thoughts run across my mind. He is very into me - what if my feelings aren't as strong as his? What if I end up not wanting a future with him? I don't want to hurt him. And then I had to remind myself to stop. It was just that old fear talking. I like him more and more every time I talk to him - the only difference Saturday was that we were actually with each other, rather than just talking on the phone. I just need to get used to a physical proximity with him. The in person stuff is scarier.

But I did finally calm down about it, and we had a really good time. And I'm glad I haven't told him about this journal yet, because it's really nice to be able to talk to you all about this without having to censor myself (an excellent point brought up by Cathy in my comments). He's coming over on Wednesday after work to cook me dinner, an activity that I encourage, because I hate to cook and usually have cereal for dinner. I think the more time we spend with each other, the better it will all get. We need to get used to each other - you know, get to know the expressions and the body movements that are unique to every person.

And man, you should see how much cleaner my house is going to be by Wednesday. I cleaned two rooms thoroughly yesterday and have two more to do in the next two nights. I couldn't let him see that I've been living like a pig. And of course, after I got those two rooms done, I kept looking around and asking myself why I don't clean more often? It's not fun, but wow, the house looks nice! Hey, another relationship bonus - a clean house. Woo!

Okay, I have to get to work. Thanks for listening to me! And Sarah and Jamie, you can keep the teasing to a minimum, okay? Thanks. :)

Dang Leaky Roof Anyway

Crap. My roof is leaking. The place where it's leaking is in a fairly small section of the roof that is over an addition, so it's not the whole roof. Still - there's water dripping into my living room! Crap. I so don't have the money for this kind of repair.

This same section of roof leaked at the beginning of the summer, too, but it hadn't since, so I had allowed myself to hope that it would last until the spring. Now I'm not so sure. Stupid house repairs that I can't afford. Sigh.

I wonder if it's too early in the relationship to ask J if he knows how to shingle a roof? :) Probably, since we're only having our second date tonight. Dang it. I want to say I'm just kidding, but really I'm only partially kidding. I may be all liberated and independent in many ways, but if someone wanted to fix this for me and all I'd have to do was pay for materials? I would accept gratefully.

Okay, I'm off to do my anti-rain dance.

Update: I wrote this Saturday morning, but for some reason it wouldn't post. It's now Sunday afternoon. The ceiling stopped leaking after a short while, thank goodness, and it's not raining now, so I'm hoping I'll be okay. For now, anyway. Also, I had another great date last night. I could get used to this whole relationship thing. :)

A Nice Surprise

I came home after work yesterday afternoon, and I had a message on my machine from a florist. They had a delivery for me, and wanted me to call them when I got home so that they could get directions to my house and deliver them. So exciting! I of course called them right away, and then sat and waited for them to get there. Pretty soon they pulled up, and brought me these:

They're from J, of course. Oh, and he loves Halloween, which explains the theme of them. How sweet is that?

I haven't mentioned my diet lately, but it's still going - don't worry, I haven't quit. It's still going slowly, which is totally because I only behave for half of the week, or thereabouts. I'm still not doing so well on behaving for at least five days out of seven. I keep losing a little bit more every week, though, so it's okay. I can be patient, as long as it keeps coming off.

Okay, I have to get to work now. I just wanted to show you all my flowers. :) Have a great Thursday!

Lots of goodness

During my phone conversation with J (the new guy - I figure his initial is safe to use, right?) last night, I discovered that he also picks all of the crap out of his fried rice, eating only the rice. I have never met anyone else who does this. He claims that he is a picky eater, and I maintain that I have to be more picky than him, because I am more picky when it comes to food than anyone else I know, with the possible exception of Sarah (but we're close). I also found out his middle name, which he hates, and didn't want to tell me. But he mentioned it, and you can't mention that you hate your middle name without telling the other person what said name is. Right? Right. So I wheedled it out of him. Ha. I am good.

Anyway, the point is, the more we talk, the more we find that we have in common, and it's kind of scary. How is this guy who I just happened to meet online so much like me? Because it's kind of freaking me out. But it's great.

And in non-guy related news, the Sims 2 Pets is on its way to me! I tracked it this morning, and it was last seen in my town post office, which means it should be in my mailbox when I go home tonight. Woo! Of course, I won't really have time to load it up and start to play with it until Sunday, but still. It'll be in my house, waiting for me, taunting me with its pet-ness. And that's a good thing. Soon, the family that I play will have a Sim-ulated version of Bernie and Willow. The poor things.

Have I mentioned here before that I am lactose intolerant? Well, I am. And I also happen to have a brother-in-law who works at the local milk plant where they make Lactaid milk. And he has been telling me that they make chocolate Lactaid milk. And I said I refused to believe him until I held some of it in my hands, because they don't sell it in the stores around here. And he never remembered to bring me any, until! I went to my sister's house for dinner last night, and there was a half gallon, waiting for me! It was amazing, and it was yummy, and I loved it. He now has to bring it to me every week, or I will be vastly disappointed. :)

Okay, I have to get back to work. The boss is out of her meeting, so break time is over. Ha. Lator gators!

Good Stuff

So, remember a few posts ago, when I alluded to some potentially exciting news that I couldn't share yet? Well, I can share it now.

A while ago I went onto eHarmony and I filled out their personality profile thing. It took forever, and I wasn't planning on actually paying to contact anyone, but I wanted to see who they would match me up with. Once I finished filling the thing out, they gave me a list of matches, and I looked at them and thought there were some pretty nice ones there. But again, I wasn't planning on actually contacting anyone, so I didn't do anything else. And then one of them tried to contact me.

Long story short, I responded to the guy, and we did the closed communication thing on eHarmony for a while, which has you sending questions and answers back and forth and listing the things you want and don't want in a relationship. We made it past that stage and started to e-mail, and then we started to talk on the phone, and last night we finally had a first date.

And obviously, since I'm writing about it here, the date went well. Very well. I liked him a lot, and he liked me, and now it seems like I'm dating someone! Which I haven't done in a long time, so it feels very weird. Good, but weird. He doesn't know about this site yet, so I won't give any details about him here, other than to just say that I'm really excited to see where this goes.

Also, Man of the Year is a very funny movie. I recommend it. Okay, good news over for today. I hope you all are having a good weekend. I know I sure am! And on top of the good time last night, I get to hang out with Jamie today and have Chinese food for lunch (probably) and watch a whole lot of Nip/Tuck. It's a good weekend. :)

Pictures!

I took a few pictures in the last few days. Do you wanna see? Of course you do!

Jamie and Sarah went to the greenhouse on campus, and Jamie bought me a rose! He's so nice to me. Also, dig on my cool vase.

Bernie likes my new treadmill - it makes a great dog bed, apparently!

I had to drive to Lake Placid yesterday for work, and took a few shots from my car. Road trip! This doesn't show it very well, but I actually saw some nice fall color about halfway between my house and Lake Placid.

That mountain looks so imposing sitting at the end of the road, doesn't it?

A bad sideways shot of a lake, as I was approaching the town of Lake Placid.

And as a side note, if you're ever thinking about driving four hours to go to a meeting, then turning around and driving back the same day? Don't do it. It is NOT fun. Especially if it's going to downpour when you're driving back in the dark. Like it did yesterday. Sigh. Consider that my word of advice for the day.