First of December

I bought this candle holder from a candle party that Sarah had. Isn't it pretty? My living room smells cinnamony now.

So, it's the first day of holidailies. Woo! Get ready to get sick of me, because I'll be updating daily for the whole month of December. Or I'll be trying to, anyway. I'm not sure how I'm going to work it when J is around, because he doesn't know about this blog yet, so I can't do it in front of him. Hmm. I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll send him to do something for me, to keep him busy for a while. My tub drain is backed up again, even worse than before (I think putting Drano down it just pissed it off), so there's something he can work on for a while. Anyway, I'll be making every effort to update here every day, so check back, 'kay?

Today was weigh-in day. I lost another pound, and am now down 16.2 pounds. Woo! I'm celebrating by having a large chocolate muffin for breakfast, and take out greasy food for both lunch and dinner. Hee. But really, weigh-in day is cheat day, and why would I want to eat a boring turkey sandwich on cheat day? I wouldn't. So, chicken sandwich and fries for lunch and KFC for dinner, with probably brownies for dessert. Yum. You can't beat it. Cheat day food aside, the weight loss thing is obviously going well, though. We have two more weeks left in the challenge, so I don't think I'll make my personal goal (which would mean losing at least 6.1 pounds in the next two weeks), but I'll come pretty close, and I'm okay with that. I also probably won't win the challenge, but I was never in this to win - just to lose weight, and I have done that, so I'm happy. Here's to keeping it up once the challenge is over.

So, guess who's meeting the parents this weekend? Yup, that would be me. J asked me the other night if I wanted to come to his sister's house on Sunday for brunch. I'll meet his Mom, Dad, sister and brother. Fun! And not at all stressful! Right. I'll survive somehow, I suppose, and actually once I get there, I probably won't be all that stressed, really. I'm good with parents, usually. I'm a nice, sweet, innocent looking girl, so parents usually want their sons with me. Which is good, but knowing that somehow doesn't make it any easier to face the prospect of hanging out with his family for a couple of hours. Oy. Oh well, I'll survive, and it'll mean I'll have that many fewer people to meet on Christmas Eve. I have to arrange a meeting with my sister and her husband soon, though, because I can't be the only one going through this stress.

This weekend should be fun, though, parent meeting aside. J and I are going to work on decorating my house for Christmas. For some reason I'm very much in the Christmas mood this year, so I'm really looking forward to getting my stuff all up. I'll post pictures once we get everything out and up.

As I was walking out to my car last night, I remembered that my car inspection was expiring. Yesterday. Oops! I called my garage when I got home, fully expecting to not be able to get it in for an inspection until next week, because the garage is always so busy, but he was really nice and said he would try to fit me in today. As Sarah said, that's probably because I paid his mortgage for most of the summer with my car repair bills. Sarah was nice enough to pick me up at the garage and bring me in to work, so my car is at the garage now, waiting for them to find a few minutes to inspect it. I hope everything is okay with it. Cross your fingers for me, okay?

Okay, I think I've exhausted my updating abilities for day one. Check back tomorrow - I'll have an update up at some point, if I have to lock J in a different room so that I can get into blogger for a few minutes. Until then, have a great Friday! And I'll leave you with a picture of Willow and Bernie. It's not the best picture, because there is a streak of sunlight running right down the middle of Bernie's face, but I think they're cute, regardless of picture quality. Don't you agree?

Current Thoughts, Etc.

I came home from work last night, and there were lights on in my house, the dogs had already been let out, dinner was cooking, and I was greeted on the front lawn by my boyfriend. That is an experience that I have NEVER had, and it was so nice! I could seriously get used to coming home to find J already there, cooking for me.

We had a really good night, too. After (a candlelit) dinner of baked chicken breasts and rice, we watched the first three episodes of Buffy, which he liked. He doesn't love it yet, but I didn't either until I had finished watching the first season, so I have hope that he'll turn into a fan like me.

And somehow around all the episodes of Buffy, we managed to have a really incredible night while the DVD was off or paused. He's worked his way into my heart, somehow. I am not ready to say those three words to him yet, but I'm getting closer. I like being with him. A lot.

And in non-J related news, it took four Advil in four hours, but I managed to kick that headache, finally. I'm feeling like it's trying to come back now, but it may just be a result of staring at the computer for too long, and I am now armed with a new bottle of Advil of my very own (thanks to J), so I don't even have to beg them from Jamie, like I did yesterday. So if it does seem like it's coming back, I'll take some more. I'm not sure what the heck was wrong with me this weekend, but thank goodness it seems like it's gone.

Currently reading: Lisey's Story, by Stephen King. I haven't had much free time that hasn't been spent editing or talking to or being with J, so I'm not very far into this. I also haven't played the Sims in like a month. This having a life thing really cuts into my hobbies/obsessions. :)
Currently listening: to my Internet radio, which is currently playing something called "Learn to Fly" from Carbon Leaf.
Currently watching: the clock, as I wait for lunchtime.
Currently wishing: That you are all having as good a day as it is possible for you to have.

Sick and Hungry, etc.

I'm hungry and my head hurts. Aren't you glad you came to my page today? Don't worry, I won't bitch the whole entry.

So, Thanksgiving break was over yesterday, for everyone except me. I started feeling kind of crappy Saturday night, and was feeling decidedly more crappy yesterday morning, so I called in sick, went back to bed and slept until Noon. Then I had lunch and laid down and watched Nanny McPhee in bed. Then I got up and went to the living room and laid down in my recliner and watched four or five back episodes of Smallville (I'm all caught up now, woo!), then I watched yesterday's Ellen and last week's Everbody Hates Chris. Exciting, right? I thought so. And I was in my pajamas all day, and didn't brush my teeth or my hair until I was getting ready for bed. All in all, it was a pretty decent sick day.

And this morning I felt better, and well rested since I slept so much yesterday and then got a good 8 1/2 hours last night, so I jumped out of bed and got ready for work. Then felt like I needed a nap, because it's just so much work taking a shower! So I guess I'm not 100% yet, but I'm getting there. I do still have that stinking headache, though.

J is coming over tonight after work, and we are going to have dinner (barbecue sauce soaked chicken tenders, baked, and flavored rice of some sort that he's bringing to make) and then...I am going to introduce him to Buffy. It is my goal to make him love it at least close to as much as I do. And to make him watch all seven seasons with me. Woo! I hope it works. Because frankly, if we're going to have a long future, it seems necessary to be able to talk Buffy together. And yes, that is a sad statement of my geekdom when it comes to that show. But, I am not ashamed. I love it, and I miss watching it every week.

Also, he started calling me Sweetie this weekend, without even realizing he was doing it, and I loved it. And I'm missing him when he isn't with me, and yes, somehow he wormed his way into my relationship phobic heart. I still can't say those three words back to him, but he's important to me now. Which I'm kind of liking. Also, he invited me to come to his family's Christmas Eve get together with him. Is it okay if I start stressing over that now? Cuz, oy. Lots of family members who I've never met and strange foods that I don't know if I will want to or be able to eat (I'm very picky and lactose intolerant, which makes it pretty difficult). He's Polish. There will be perogies and other weird things there. I am going to have to be brave and try things. Yikes. I'm thinking of getting back at him by inviting him to my family's house for Christmas. We don't eat weird stuff, but if he came to my sister's house for Christmas, he would be faced with about...let me count...16 people from my family, all at once, and he would only have maybe met my sister and her husband before then. I don't know if I will actually ask him if he wants to come, but I'm tempted, because if I have to be stressed, then he should have to be too, right? Kidding. Sort of.

Okay. I guess that's all the talk I have in me for now. I'm going to go see if I can steal some Advil from someone, because I'm sick of this headache hanging around. Happy Tuesday!

Thanksgiving Weekend Recap

I am so tired. I am going to be in bed early tonight, and I hope to sleep hard and straight through until the alarm goes off at 6:30. Ugh. I like my job, but I hate going back to it after I've had four days off. It's so difficult!

I had a good weekend, though. Thanksgiving on Thursday was of course at my sister's house. She had four of her six kids there, two of them with their respective significant others, so it was a full table. Dinner was great, and my sister's family is fantastic, and my niece immediately made herself my favorite when she hugged me and asked if I was "wasting away." Hee. She's good.

And I spent a lot of time with J this weekend, too. I saw him every day, which was nice. He even brought his dogs over to my house, so that they wouldn't be at his house alone so much, so we introduced them to my dogs. I was a little bit stressed about that, but it went okay. The two females - Willow and his female basset hound - were full of attitude and wanted to let everyone else know that they were the top dog of the bunch, but Bernie and his male dog were so laid back and accepting and friendly. They were very cute. His dog is a West Highland White Terrier, and of course Bernie is a gigantic Bernese Mountain Dog mix, so it was really cute when he let his terrier out into the living room with Bernie, and the first thing Bernie wanted to do was play. He has no concept of size, and I wouldn't leave them alone together for too long for fear he would hurt the terrier by accident, but it was extremely cute. (And I feel the need to explain that even though they met each other, his dogs spent the time they were here in my mudroom, so the dogs only actually mixed when they first got here and when he let his terrier out for a few minutes with Bernie. If this relationship keeps going the way it has, we may have to deal with integrating them more fully, but for now just having them meet was enough.)

Anyway, we had a lot of fun, watched a lot of stuff on DVD and got way more comfortable with each other, the way that you have to spend time together to do. It was nice. Although I still can't say those three words back yet. He hasn't said them to me again, though, so it hasn't been an issue. He knows my relationship issues, and doesn't want to rush or pressure me, which I appreciate.

I also got a little bit of editing done for my good friend Sally, who has been working so hard that I've hardly gotten to talk to her in ages. (Sally? If you read this, we need to rectify that! I love the work that you give me, and I'm glad that you're doing well, but I miss you!)

And somehow that is the end of my recap! Exciting, huh? It was good, though. I'd even show you pictures, if I had taken any. :)

Three Big Words

J told me last night that he is in love with me. I couldn't say it back yet.

I'm not freaking.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thankful

Sundry posted a blog a few minutes ago and asked people to comment on what they were grateful for. I posted the following, and liked what I wrote so much that I'm posting it here:

I am grateful that, somehow, I find myself in a new relationship with a man who thinks I am beautiful and nice and sexy and hot and wants to be with me every minute of every day, and would if our lives would allow it. And he wants to take me on vacations and spend money on me and he makes me feel treasured and valuable, and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.

Also, I am grateful for the best sister that anyone could ask for (she feeds me dinner once a week, just as an excuse for me to be able to come over and spend time with her and get a good meal in me at the same time) and great friends who make me laugh on a daily basis with their weird senses of humor. I’m also grateful for my house full of animals who all have their own interesting personalities.

And I’m happy to have the chance to share my gratitude in my blog and in the comments sections of other blogs. And of course I’m happy to have great journals/blogs to read while I’m *cough* working. :)

Then Jessamyn posted her comment from Sundry's blog and asked us to also post what we were grateful for, so I posted it there, too. This comment is getting around!

And because I think this is a nice thing to perpetuate, please comment and let me know what you're feeling grateful for this year. I can't wait to see!

"We" and "Us" Sound SOOO Weird

I had a good weekend. I spent all day Saturday editing - and I do mean ALL day. I started at about 9:30 in the morning and kept at it until about 9:30 at night. I took an hour and a half break at dinner time, because if I had to read one more line of economics stuff right then I would have committed suicide, but still. That is a LOT of time editing in one day. But, I got it all done, so I was able to spend Sunday relaxing.

So of course J came over Sunday. He got there at about 11:00, and we went to lunch at Wendy's and went to see Stranger than Fiction, which I enjoyed. And I just kept sighing in happiness to not be editing, so regardless of what the movie had been like, I would have been happy.

We also spent some time on Sunday talking. J got offered a job, doing basically the same thing he does now but for a different company, and making somewhere in the neighborhood of $6 an hour more than he makes now. That's a no brainer, right? So he's accepting it. And I asked him what he was going to do with all of his new found wealth, and he asked me if I would take a vacation with him to Chicago. Um, hell yes! I love Chicago. So, at some point, once he's been there a while and has saved up some moula, we'll be taking a trip to Chicago, where we'll explore the city, go to a game at Wrigley Field (I've never been to a baseball game, so that should be an interesting experience) and just generally enjoy being away from home, in a city that draws me for reasons I have never fully understood. Good stuff.

He also sat down with me before he left yesterday, and talked to me about this new job. He wanted to make sure that I would be okay with the fact that he will be on call a lot more than he is now (although most problems that may arise could be taken care of with the laptop that he'll be issued, but he might occasionally have to leave to go in to work). Of course I am - he needs to take the job, if it will be best for him, and you do what you have to do to make that kind of money. And he said that he wanted to make sure I was okay with that, because he could see us being together long-term. And you know what? A couple of weeks ago, that would have made me run screaming (shoot, I was almost running screaming just from the implication of that, much less the actual verbalization of it). Now? It made me feel good. I like him a lot - more and more all the time, actually. I can actually see a long future with him myself.

And you know what? That is such an alien concept to me. I have never been in a relationship for longer than three months, mostly because of the whole relationship phobia that I've had going my whole life. I've never thought of myself in terms of a couple - my pronouns have always been "I' and "me," not "we" or "us." It's an adjustment. I have trouble thinking of him as my boyfriend, even though he asked me officially if I would be his girlfriend a few weeks ago (pre-freak out). And that's nothing to do with him - it's just not something I've ever done. I'm liking it, though.

Plus, he's going to help me fix my roof. And he said that once he started getting paid from his new job, I would never have to pay for anything ever again when he was with me. Which is a very sweet thing for him to say. Not that I would actually let him pay for everything when we're together. If he wants to buy me dinner or whatever, fine, but there is a limit. Still, it was nice. He wants to take care of me. No man has ever done that (except for family). I could get used to it. Once I unbend enough to let him start, anyway. :)

And okay, I've bored you enough with this for now, and I need to get back to work anyway. I hope you all had a great weekend, and that my U.S. readers will have a great Thanksgiving week, in case I don't check back in before the big turkey day.

Holidailies 2006

I just registered for Holidailies 2006, which means I'll be updating daily for the month of December. Yay! Last year I only missed one day, when I just forgot about it. We'll see if I can hit them all this year. Of course, J doesn't know about this blog yet, so it may be more of a challenge. We'll see how I do.

Also, it has come to my attention that a new reader was confused as to the identity of J. J is NOT Jamie. Jamie remains a good friend, but he is not who I'm dating. J just happens to also have a name that starts with J - for some reason I seem to draw men with J names to me. Sorry for any confusion. Maybe I should do a who's who entry sometime soon, and put a link to it in the sidebar. Hmm. I'll think about that. Let me know if that would help you out, okay?

And I'm really sorry for the short update today, but I really just wanted to let you all know to check this site daily in December. Now I have to get back to editing. I'm attempting to finish this editing job today, which means editing two chapters, including the main text, a summary and two comment papers. For each chapter. Fun! If I'm going to get it all done, and not be working until Midnight to do it, I need to get back at it.

But not before I say that things with J are going great. I like him more and more each time we see each other.

Okay, that is all. I hope you are all having wonderful, relaxing weekends. If I get this editing done, I'll get to relax for at least half of it! Woo! Bye!

Revelations

I went to my sister's house for dinner last night, like I do every Monday. I really enjoy going there once a week, and I love that they have taken it upon themselves to invite me. I feel like I'm a real part of their family. Even their dog loves me now! She gets all excited to see me and everything. Even when I don't have any leftovers to give her (yes, I bribe dogs for their affection - I am not stupid).

This week after dinner was over, my brother-in-law went to bed for a few hours, because he works the overnight shift, and hadn't gotten much sleep. Which left just me and my sister to sit and talk. I told her about the panic attacks I had last week, about my relationship with J. I told her about my fear of intimacy, and how it usually (according to the research I've done on it) stems from something that happens when a person is small child - some traumatic event happens that the child thinks is their fault, and because of that, they think they must be a horrible, flawed person to have made it happen. When I read that, I didn't know of anything that might have happened in my life that was that traumatic. I mean, my Dad died in an accident, but I was only two at the time, and he was gone most of the time driving truck anyway, so could that have been it? I had no idea. I knew I suffered from the fear of intimacy, but didn't really figure I'd ever know why.

Until our talk last night, when my sister told me that in the year or so after Dad died, our Mom basically turned into a different person. She was out partying a lot, drinking and hanging out in bars and basically not spending much time at all with us kids. My sister was left taking care of me and my brothers, for the most part (and she was only 12 when my Dad died). So that you can get an idea of the timeline here, my Dad died when I was two years and ten months old. Between that time and when my Step-Dad moved in, probably a year or so passed. But even after Wayne (my step-dad) moved in, my Mom was still apparently spending most of her time out away from the family. That summer (most likely the summer I turned four), my step-dad was working at a campsite on a lake, and we got to stay there for free while he was working there. My sister said that at one point we were hanging out at the lake. She and Mom were sitting on the shore talking, and I was in the water, sitting down in water about waist deep, playing. A boat went by and caused a wave, and it scared me, so I got up and ran toward my sister and my mother, yelling, "Mommy, Mommy!" My mother opened her arms for me, but I ran to my sister instead. When she asked me why I ran to my sister instead of to her, I told her "I don't want you, I want my real mommy." Ouch.

Anyway, that's basically a long ass way of saying that between the ages of three and four, I basically had no parents except for my sister, and it is entirely conceivable that I thought in my little three year old mind that I must have done something horrible to make my Mom not want to be around me anymore, and to leave me. And that belief could very well have caused this deep seated feeling that I was unworthy in some way, which in turn led to a pretty paralyzing fear of letting anyone get close to me.

And I want to say right here that I am in no way blaming my mother for any of this. She was going through a hell of a lot at that time. She lost her brother in a car accident and then her husband in a different accident just ten days later. She was left as the sole provider for five kids, ranging in age from 14 - 2. She had a lot of grieving to do, and everyone does that in their own way. Having lived through the grief of losing her, I know how hard that can be - and I didn't have five kids to take care of by myself.

But, it did give me a lot of insight into myself. And I told J about it, because he had been very confused by this whole situation that I had dumped on him last week, and I think it helped him to understand, too. And now that I know why I ended up like this, and now that I've worked through that first initial panic attack, I think J and I are going to be able to be fine. I'm not saying that I won't have any more panic attacks in the future, but I really think the worst is behind us. Now we can move on and just enjoy getting to know each other better and better. And that is very good.

And now I have yet another reason to be grateful for the existence of my sister in my life. You should all be so lucky as to have a sister like her.

Good Weekend News

After all of that freaking out I did last week, I had a great weekend with J. We hung out, we watched movies, we spent a lot of time just talking and relaxing and getting more comfortable with each other. It was exactly what I needed. I don't think I'll be freaking out anymore.

So now that I'm not freaking out, I can actually once again enjoy having a man in my life, who treats me like a desirable, beautiful woman who he is lucky to be with. That is a really nice way to be treated, and after too many years of being alone, I can certainly appreciate it. When I'm not panicking, anyway. :)

I also managed to lose 1.5 more pounds in the last couple of days, so I celebrated by eating leftover take-out Chinese food and thin mint Girl Scout cookies. I am now so stuffed that I feel like I'm going to burst. Oh man. It's a good thing I only eat like this once a week now.

And now I'm out of things to say, so I'm going to go watch last week's Grey's Anatomy while I edit. I hope you all had a great weekend!

Can you take more talk?

Can you take more relationship talk? I hope so, because here it comes! The last I posted, I had calmed down again, and was back to letting things flow. And then last night when we were talking on the phone, I started freaking out again, so this morning I sent him an e-mail and outlined my whole relationship phobia. I'm sure it was a bit much to send through e-mail, but I needed to tell him, and that was the way I felt safest. I told him about how I tend to find a reason to break up with guys whenever they start getting too close, and I told him that I had been at that point all week, and fighting it. And I asked him if we could just slow down for a while, until I feel more comfortable. He responded and seemed to understand as well as he could, and we're going to talk about it more tonight. But for now the pressure that I've been feeling is off, which is a very good thing.

So tonight we're going to get Chinese food for dinner, and we're going to watch Cars and at some point we'll talk about this whole thing, and I'll explain as best I can what I've been going through. It should be an interesting night. Oh, to be a normal person who can have a relationship without freaking out.

And that's all I'll say about that for now, because you're probably sick of reading about it, and I'm certainly sick of thinking about it and writing about it.

So, as a subject changer, as of today I have officially lost 14.8 pounds. I'm only .2 pounds away from 15! I'm very happy about it. I'm hoping to lose 20 before this challenge is over, which it will be the second week of December, I think, so that's enough time. I just have to be good enough to get there. I'm feeling and seeing the change now, though, which I love. Woo! It's a good thing in my life, and I need that right now.

Okay. I'm out of talk now. I hope you all will have a great weekend! I'm going to certainly try to.

Whew, Calmer Now

If you care at all, you'll be happy to know that I've calmed way the fuck down about the whole thing with J. I've come to the conclusion that it really was my inner relationship phobic freak trying to get me to run from yet another decent guy. But! Thanks to some nice comments from you people and a lot of writing about the whole situation, both in here and in my super secret for my eyes only personal journal (which you should be really happy you don't have to read, because the last day's entries are like what I posted in here times 1,000), I've opened my mind back up, calmed down and am letting things continue on once again. Who knows, I may actually turn into a real grown-up who can have a relationship that lasts longer than a month. Maybe.

Also, I wasn't kidding about mouse season being open. I came home from work yesterday to find a dead mouse on the floor in front of my bathroom door. I don't know if it was the one I rescued, who was stupid enough to come back in, or if it was one of his friends or relatives, but either way, it was dead. Luckily, it was just dead and not torn apart. It's a good thing I'm not squeamish about dead rodents, though. I picked it up with some toilet paper, threw it into the weeds outside, threw the paper into the recycling bin and that was that. I'm just wondering if I should bother to keep a head count this year, since the cats are starting so early in the season. I think I'm afraid to see how big that number could get by spring.

Anyway, thanks once again for reading my blathering, and for being my sounding board when I'm freaking out. I'm glad Sarah talked me into starting this blog a year ago. It's good therapy! :)

Mind Dumping

Hunting season has begun, and no, I'm not talking about all of the people who go hunt deer at this time of year. Nope, the hunting I'm talking about concerns mice, and Sable has declared it open season on them, starting yesterday. She was playing with a little mouse in my dining room last night. I like when the cats kill mice, because they just don't belong in my house. But I also can't let them torture the poor creatures while I'm home and awake. So, I scooped it up in a paper cup and let it loose outside. It was probably going to die anyway, from the damage Sable had already done to it, but I just had to rescue the poor thing. If it lived, I hope it's not stupid enough to come back in. A house with five cats is not a safe place for a mouse.

So. Are you ready for a little relationship talk? Because I have something on my mind, and I need to get it out. It feels a little funny to talk about this stuff online, but so far I don't have many readers, and the ones I have are all very nice, cool people, so it doesn't feel as weird as it maybe should (although I'm kind of glad my sister never started reading, or any of her kids who know about this, either, because that would be a whole different thing). I've been dating J for about a month, now, I think? Pretty close, anyway. And everything has been going pretty well. We have a lot in common, and he pretty much worships the ground I walk on, which is always a good quality in a guy, right? But I'm getting to that point where I have always wanted to just cut and run before. He is SO into me, and it scares me.

And this whole thing is just me doing the old thing that I've always done in relationships - wanting to split as soon as the person started getting too close (or at the first sign of a problem). What is wrong with me? I don't want to be alone, and yet I seem to do everything I can to make myself that way. Maybe I need counseling.

So while I work this out in my head, I'm just maintaining the status quo with J - I'm not going to make any decisions out of fear that I will regret later.

And wow, thanks for listening to me while I work all of this stuff out, okay? It's good to have this space to write about this stuff, so that I can get it out of my head. And I'm REALLY glad I never told him about this blog.

Random Sunday Stuff

I was just petting Bernie, who was half on my lap even though he is gigantic, and I saw a spider on the floor, just walking around like it owned the place. It's dead now. Ha! Bastard spider.

Speaking of Bernie, he was whining and limping around when we got up this morning. If you were reading me when I first adopted him, then you know that he has a bum elbow, that was apparently broken at some point and never taken care of. Well, I think he wrenched it a little at some point over the night, probably when he was trying to crawl out from under my bed. Which he barely fits under in the first place. Silly Bernie. He seems to be doing better as the morning goes on, though, so I think he's okay. I hope so, because I can't afford a vet visit right now (although I will take him if necessary, of course). I'll keep an eye on him today and see how he does.

Also? I got a great night's sleep last night, and I have a ton of energy today. And I have nothing to do all day except for edit, which means sitting at my desk, on my butt, working on the computer. Not exactly a great way to expend that energy. Oh well. I'll get up periodically and dance around or something. That's pretty much a requirement when you are editing economics papers anyway.

I saw J on Friday and on Saturday, and it just keeps getting better. No kidding, we keep finding more and more that we have in common, more and more stuff that we both love (the latest, the shows Emergency! and Quantum Leap). And I keep wondering where in the world he came from, and he keeps saying the same thing to me. It's kind of scary. Of course it's still early, but I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes.

Okay. I'm off to watch the rest of Friday's Ellen. Have a great Sunday!

And, because I haven't done it in a while:

Currently reading: Lisey's Story, by Stephen King
Currently watching: well, I just told you up there, but The Ellen Degeneres Show, from Friday
Currently listening: because the show is paused, my chiming wall clock, ticking, and Willow, grumbling
Currently hoping: that Bernie's leg isn't going to need veterinary attention

Relationship Rambling

This is probably going to be a very rambling, incoherent kind of entry, because my mind isn't very focused. I just wanted to log in and post a quick entry, though.

Last night went great. I was so very nervous about J coming to my house. I don't know why, really, but it was probably a mixture of things, including the fact that I kind of had to be hostess, and we had only gone out a couple of times, and even though we had talked on the phone every day that we hadn't seen each other, it's still early in the relationship, and everything is still so new. Plus there was the pressure of being alone together in a private place, instead of out in public. But I was silly to worry, and in fact I stopped as soon as he got there.

He loved my house - couldn't believe how big it was. He loved my dogs, especially Willow. He cooked me dinner and even washed the dishes afterwards (yup, that's a very good quality, right there). He brought me a half-gallon of chocolate Lactaid milk, because he knows I love it and can't buy it in any of the stores around here, so when he saw it at a store in Syracuse, he bought it for me. And when dinner was over he was looking at my DVDs and saw that I have season one of Emergency!, which he loves, so we watched a couple of episodes of it.

And we have so much in common! Way more than I have ever had in common with anyone else I've ever met. It's kind of eerie.

And now I'm boring you all with relationship talk, like I've bored you with diet talk and dog talk in the past. Sorry about that! But obviously it's what's on my mind right now.

Oh, and speaking of the diet, I have now had two people comment on my weight loss - my sister and a woman here at work. Woo! People are noticing! I have also been able to get into two different tops that used to be too tight. I LOVE that, let me tell you.

And okay, I've rambled enough here for now, I guess. Thanks for listening (reading) me as I babbled about my new relationship. Have a great Thursday, okay? :)

Oh, and you know how I wrote yesterday that Willow hadn't growled at night at all since I moved the dog beds apart on Sunday? Yeah. She was apparently thrown off her peaceful schedule last night by J being there visiting, because when I went to bed after he left, she growled like crazy for the normal 10-15 minutes. Sigh. I knew I shouldn't have jinxed things by writing about it. Silly Willow.

Pet Relations Breakthrough

I adopted Bernie back in February of this year, and ever since then (I'm sure I've mentioned this a few times before), I've been dealing with jealousy from Willow. Jealousy that comes out in the form of grumbling - growling, if you want to use the mean sounding term. Every night since I adopted him, just about, I've gone to bed to the sound of Willow grumbling for at least 15 minutes after I shut off the light. Until this week.

J is coming over to my house for the first time tonight, to make me dinner (sweet, huh?). To prepare for that, I have been a cleaning fool. When I cleaned my bedroom on Sunday morning, I picked up the dog beds on the floor and vacuumed under them and then vacuumed the hair off of them, and when I was putting them back down, I put one on the right side of the room, in front of my bookcase, and the other on the other side of the room, on this angled wall. Willow hasn't growled at night since. Who knew bedtime peace was that easy to attain? If I had known, those beds would have been on opposite sides of the room months ago!

Anyway, she's not growling at night, so I'm getting to go to sleep without yelling at her. Which is really nice. And my house? Is cleaner than it's been in literally years. And I am not kidding. I don't throw that "literal" word around, because I hate when people use it to say something stupid that didn't really happen. But this is true - my house hasn't been this clean in probably five years. My Mom would even be proud of it, and I wouldn't hesitate to invite anyone in right now. It feels good. Now why don't I do the work to keep it this way all the time?

Okay, I need to get to work. I hope you all have a great Wednesday! I plan to. :)

Date Talk

I had my second date with J on Saturday night. I went out to where he lives this time, and we had a lot of fun. We went to Target because I needed to return a sweater (that was too big, woo!) and to dinner at a place called Fresno's, then we went to the movies. Typical date stuff, really, but fun. The movie we went to was at a theater in a mall, so of course we walked around the mall for a while first, before we went in to the movie, because we were early. I didn't buy anything, but man, if I weren't completely broke, I would have bought this adorable blue monkey at Old Navy. I just tried to find him online, and don't see anything other than clothes on there, so you'll have to take my word for it - he was really cute. Oh well. I guess I didn't really need the adorable blue monkey, right?

We went to see The Guardian, which I had already seen but he hadn't, and I liked it a lot, so I didn't mind seeing it again. It was a really good movie.

And okay, boring details aside, I get a really good vibe from this guy. He looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and I haven't gotten that look from anyone in a very long time. I'm liking it. We talk on the phone every night, for about two hours each time, and we find more and more in common just about every night. I like him a lot, and I am pretty sure he likes me even more.

I don't know how much I've touched on this here before, but I have a history of basically being afraid of relationships. Until I was about 25, I ditched every guy I ever dated as soon as it looked like it might be getting serious. I don't know why, or what I was afraid of. I guess I was afraid of getting hurt. So of course the first time I actually let someone in, I fell in love and he broke up with me in a really shitty way (why do guys think it's okay to just stop calling and basically disappear?), and gave a really lame excuse when I called him on it, so of course my heart got broken. And I basically stopped trying to have relationships at all after that, because I guess my fear had been validated. You know the saying - once bitten, twice shy. It certainly was true with me.

And when I was with J on Saturday night, I had some of those same thoughts run across my mind. He is very into me - what if my feelings aren't as strong as his? What if I end up not wanting a future with him? I don't want to hurt him. And then I had to remind myself to stop. It was just that old fear talking. I like him more and more every time I talk to him - the only difference Saturday was that we were actually with each other, rather than just talking on the phone. I just need to get used to a physical proximity with him. The in person stuff is scarier.

But I did finally calm down about it, and we had a really good time. And I'm glad I haven't told him about this journal yet, because it's really nice to be able to talk to you all about this without having to censor myself (an excellent point brought up by Cathy in my comments). He's coming over on Wednesday after work to cook me dinner, an activity that I encourage, because I hate to cook and usually have cereal for dinner. I think the more time we spend with each other, the better it will all get. We need to get used to each other - you know, get to know the expressions and the body movements that are unique to every person.

And man, you should see how much cleaner my house is going to be by Wednesday. I cleaned two rooms thoroughly yesterday and have two more to do in the next two nights. I couldn't let him see that I've been living like a pig. And of course, after I got those two rooms done, I kept looking around and asking myself why I don't clean more often? It's not fun, but wow, the house looks nice! Hey, another relationship bonus - a clean house. Woo!

Okay, I have to get to work. Thanks for listening to me! And Sarah and Jamie, you can keep the teasing to a minimum, okay? Thanks. :)

Dang Leaky Roof Anyway

Crap. My roof is leaking. The place where it's leaking is in a fairly small section of the roof that is over an addition, so it's not the whole roof. Still - there's water dripping into my living room! Crap. I so don't have the money for this kind of repair.

This same section of roof leaked at the beginning of the summer, too, but it hadn't since, so I had allowed myself to hope that it would last until the spring. Now I'm not so sure. Stupid house repairs that I can't afford. Sigh.

I wonder if it's too early in the relationship to ask J if he knows how to shingle a roof? :) Probably, since we're only having our second date tonight. Dang it. I want to say I'm just kidding, but really I'm only partially kidding. I may be all liberated and independent in many ways, but if someone wanted to fix this for me and all I'd have to do was pay for materials? I would accept gratefully.

Okay, I'm off to do my anti-rain dance.

Update: I wrote this Saturday morning, but for some reason it wouldn't post. It's now Sunday afternoon. The ceiling stopped leaking after a short while, thank goodness, and it's not raining now, so I'm hoping I'll be okay. For now, anyway. Also, I had another great date last night. I could get used to this whole relationship thing. :)

A Nice Surprise

I came home after work yesterday afternoon, and I had a message on my machine from a florist. They had a delivery for me, and wanted me to call them when I got home so that they could get directions to my house and deliver them. So exciting! I of course called them right away, and then sat and waited for them to get there. Pretty soon they pulled up, and brought me these:

They're from J, of course. Oh, and he loves Halloween, which explains the theme of them. How sweet is that?

I haven't mentioned my diet lately, but it's still going - don't worry, I haven't quit. It's still going slowly, which is totally because I only behave for half of the week, or thereabouts. I'm still not doing so well on behaving for at least five days out of seven. I keep losing a little bit more every week, though, so it's okay. I can be patient, as long as it keeps coming off.

Okay, I have to get to work now. I just wanted to show you all my flowers. :) Have a great Thursday!

Lots of goodness

During my phone conversation with J (the new guy - I figure his initial is safe to use, right?) last night, I discovered that he also picks all of the crap out of his fried rice, eating only the rice. I have never met anyone else who does this. He claims that he is a picky eater, and I maintain that I have to be more picky than him, because I am more picky when it comes to food than anyone else I know, with the possible exception of Sarah (but we're close). I also found out his middle name, which he hates, and didn't want to tell me. But he mentioned it, and you can't mention that you hate your middle name without telling the other person what said name is. Right? Right. So I wheedled it out of him. Ha. I am good.

Anyway, the point is, the more we talk, the more we find that we have in common, and it's kind of scary. How is this guy who I just happened to meet online so much like me? Because it's kind of freaking me out. But it's great.

And in non-guy related news, the Sims 2 Pets is on its way to me! I tracked it this morning, and it was last seen in my town post office, which means it should be in my mailbox when I go home tonight. Woo! Of course, I won't really have time to load it up and start to play with it until Sunday, but still. It'll be in my house, waiting for me, taunting me with its pet-ness. And that's a good thing. Soon, the family that I play will have a Sim-ulated version of Bernie and Willow. The poor things.

Have I mentioned here before that I am lactose intolerant? Well, I am. And I also happen to have a brother-in-law who works at the local milk plant where they make Lactaid milk. And he has been telling me that they make chocolate Lactaid milk. And I said I refused to believe him until I held some of it in my hands, because they don't sell it in the stores around here. And he never remembered to bring me any, until! I went to my sister's house for dinner last night, and there was a half gallon, waiting for me! It was amazing, and it was yummy, and I loved it. He now has to bring it to me every week, or I will be vastly disappointed. :)

Okay, I have to get back to work. The boss is out of her meeting, so break time is over. Ha. Lator gators!

Good Stuff

So, remember a few posts ago, when I alluded to some potentially exciting news that I couldn't share yet? Well, I can share it now.

A while ago I went onto eHarmony and I filled out their personality profile thing. It took forever, and I wasn't planning on actually paying to contact anyone, but I wanted to see who they would match me up with. Once I finished filling the thing out, they gave me a list of matches, and I looked at them and thought there were some pretty nice ones there. But again, I wasn't planning on actually contacting anyone, so I didn't do anything else. And then one of them tried to contact me.

Long story short, I responded to the guy, and we did the closed communication thing on eHarmony for a while, which has you sending questions and answers back and forth and listing the things you want and don't want in a relationship. We made it past that stage and started to e-mail, and then we started to talk on the phone, and last night we finally had a first date.

And obviously, since I'm writing about it here, the date went well. Very well. I liked him a lot, and he liked me, and now it seems like I'm dating someone! Which I haven't done in a long time, so it feels very weird. Good, but weird. He doesn't know about this site yet, so I won't give any details about him here, other than to just say that I'm really excited to see where this goes.

Also, Man of the Year is a very funny movie. I recommend it. Okay, good news over for today. I hope you all are having a good weekend. I know I sure am! And on top of the good time last night, I get to hang out with Jamie today and have Chinese food for lunch (probably) and watch a whole lot of Nip/Tuck. It's a good weekend. :)

Pictures!

I took a few pictures in the last few days. Do you wanna see? Of course you do!

Jamie and Sarah went to the greenhouse on campus, and Jamie bought me a rose! He's so nice to me. Also, dig on my cool vase.

Bernie likes my new treadmill - it makes a great dog bed, apparently!

I had to drive to Lake Placid yesterday for work, and took a few shots from my car. Road trip! This doesn't show it very well, but I actually saw some nice fall color about halfway between my house and Lake Placid.

That mountain looks so imposing sitting at the end of the road, doesn't it?

A bad sideways shot of a lake, as I was approaching the town of Lake Placid.

And as a side note, if you're ever thinking about driving four hours to go to a meeting, then turning around and driving back the same day? Don't do it. It is NOT fun. Especially if it's going to downpour when you're driving back in the dark. Like it did yesterday. Sigh. Consider that my word of advice for the day.

And the Stupidity Award Goes To...

And the award for stupidity for the day goes to...my fuel oil people! Congratulations, fuel oil people. You are the most stupid people I came across today.

Backstory: I called a week and a half ago to order fuel oil to be delivered to my house, and asked them if they could have the driver go down to the basement and prime the furnace to get it running again, because I ran out of fuel in March and didn't order more at the time because, quite frankly, I had paid them enough money for one winter. So even though I have fuel oil now, the furnace isn't going to run until it's primed. I told the guy on the phone, when I ordered it, that no one would be home, but that they could get into the basement from the bilco doors in the back of the house. He said no problem.

Today was delivery day. I came home to find the bill in my door, and written on the bottom of it was a note - no one was home. Meaning they couldn't get in to start the furnace for me. Grrr. So I pick up the phone and call the fuel place, and get the same person on the phone that I had talked to a week and a half ago, when I ordered the fuel. And I explained the situation to him, and he said something stupid like, "yeah, now that you mention it, I remember you saying that they could get into the basement from the bilco doors. And the delivery guy called me from his cell phone when he saw that no one was home to let him in, and it never occured to me to suggest he try the back."

And there you have it. He is the winner for most stupid person of the day.

Also, he said someone would be out, but he "couldn't say when. They have a busy week ahead." I'm really ashamed that this place shares my last name (no relation, luckily). I guess my space heaters will continue to get a work out for a while. Sigh.

Weekend Stuff

My weekends seem to go one of two ways, generally. Either I spend the entire time at home alone, relaxing and playing the Sims and wishing by Sunday night that I had someone to share my time with regularly, because I've gotten lonely after two days of seeing no one, or I have plans for at least half of the weekend that keep me busy and social. This weekend was the second kind - yesterday I was all social and today alone and relaxing.

So, really, it's the perfect weekend.

Yesterday, I had lunch with an old friend. We spent an hour or so catching up on each other's lives, and generally having a great conversation. It was a lot of fun seeing her and catching up. And since the place where we met for lunch was in the same mall area as a TJ Maxx and a Target, I went shopping afterwards. I got the perfect pair of black shoes, which I am in love with. They look great with jeans but I can wear them to work, too. They have a heel, but it's only about 2 1/2 inches high, so I can walk in them without killing my feet. And they make my feet look positively tiny. Not that they're large to begin with, but still. They are the perfect shoes, and I am really glad to have found them. I also got a couple of sweaters, so it was a successful trip.

Then I went home and popped in Click, and I was only 15 minutes into it when my phone rang. It was Jamie, asking me if I wanted to go to the mall with him. So I did, and we had fun like we always do, and we got Friendly's for dinner, and I got the new Bob Seger CD, because I saw it and I love Bob Seger, so I had to buy it. I listened to it this morning, and it was great.

So really, it was the perfect Saturday. And today I've been watching TV and a movie (Meet the Fockers, this time), and playing the Sims and wearing my new shoes around the house to break them in, and it's a great day. And that excitement that I hinted about in my last entry is now only six days away. Oh, I hope it works out. We'll see. (And yes, I'll tell you if it does, I swear.)

And now I'm going to sit back and watch a week's worth of General Hospital episodes. I hope you are all having great weekends.

Health Update

I had my doctor's appointment this morning. My blood pressure was better than it was a couple of months ago - the top number was a little high, but the bottom number was normal. And according to the nurse, the bottom one is the one they really worry about if it's high. I told the doctor about my diet and how I've started walking on the treadmill that I just got, and she said that sounds great, and it's the best way to get it down. But she wants me to go back in three months to get it checked again, just to see if it's normal. So I'll go back in January for that.

And they didn't tell me to fast before my appointment, and I have to do that before they can check my cholesterol, so I have to go back in Monday morning before work to have them draw blood. So I guess I won't really know if there is anything else I need to worry about until sometime next week. But really, I'm on the right track with the dieting and walking anyway.

And when I left the doctor's, I went to the bank and applied for a consolidation loan to get rid of some credit card bills. They'll probably say no, because I have too much debt, but until I find out for sure next week, I can at least hope. And if by some miracle they do say yes, I'll be in a much better situation financially than I am in now. So my fingers are crossed.

Look at me, taking care of my health and trying to get my finances under control. I think, at 37 years old, I might finally be an adult. Woo!

Excitement in every paragraph :P

I came home from work last night, and there was a treadmill in my living room! How exciting! It's like I have my very own little exercise machine fairy. Don't you wish you had one?

Actually, the treadmill came from my sister, who very generously loaned (gave? I'm not clear on that) hers to me. I spent half an hour or so last night moving it around the living room trying to find a place that I could put it where it could be plugged into the only three pronged outlet in my living room and still be pointed at the TV. It wasn't easy, and I'm not completely happy with where it ended up, but it'll work. Then I got on it and spent 15 minutes or so trying to figure out how it worked. I think I mostly have it figured out now. Then I stopped and had some cereal for dinner and waited for a phone call that I was expecting, so I'll actually use it for the first time tonight. Exciting! I wonder how long it'll take me to hate it?

I have tomorrow off from work, because it's finally the day of my physical at the doctor's! I have written out a list of stuff to talk to her about, and I put it in my purse so that I'll have it while I'm there. Otherwise I'll walk out of there and an hour later will go, d'oh! I forgot...whatever. I'm kind of excited to be going, weirdly. I just feel like it's time to have a complete going over, so that I can find out what I need to do to make sure I'll be as healthy as possible, given my particular gene pool of horribleness. There are so many land mines lurking in my genes that it isn't funny, so it'll be nice to find out how to avoid them all. I'll probably write tomorrow about what I found out while I was there. Hopefully I haven't done too much damage to myself yet. Cross your fingers for me, 'kay? Thanks.

There has been some other excitement in my life in the last couple of weeks, but I don't feel comfortable mentioning it here until I know if anything is going to come of it. So instead I'll mention it without giving even the slightest bit of detail, and drive you all crazy. Mua ha ha. (That was my evil laugh, by the way.) If I don't mention anything else about this, then you'll know it didn't work. If it does work, then you'll read about it in a couple of weeks. Cryptic enough for you? Yeah, sorry.

And hey, just like that, it's almost time to go home for the day! Excellent and exciting. I hope you are all having a great week, wherever you are!

Fall Morning

I just went outside with the dogs, and it is such a beautiful fall morning. The geese are flying around and honking, the leaves are turning and it's sunny but just a little cool. I couldn't capture the sound of the geese for you, or the feel of the air, but here a few of the visuals for you.


From top to bottom: the windmills across from my house, a bad shot of the geese flying around, the view from my side yard, a look up into the yellow leaved tree in my yard, beautiful Bernie and a nicely posed Willow. Please ignore the crap on the porch behind Willow - I need to get that cleaned off, once the spiders are dead and gone.

One Year!

Woo! I can't believe a year has gone by already. And my blog and I are still here! So exciting!

The closest thing you're gonna get to a before picture

I thought maybe I would post a picture of myself here finally. As the title says, this is the closest you're going to get to a before picture. I hope the double chin and round face leave me soon, because I sure do hate them. But, this is me. Be kind, for my self-esteem is fragile. (Picture by Sarah.)

Bossless

My boss is out of the office today and tomorrow. Yay! I like my boss, but I like it when she's gone, too, mostly because I sit right outside of her office, and she has a steady stream of people in and out of her office all day, and they all have to walk right by my desk. It's nice to have a break from that when she's gone.

And Monday is Columbus Day here in the states, and I'm actually going to have it off! Three day weekends rock. I am going to a candle party on Saturday, I think, but I don't have any plans for the rest of the weekend, I don't think. There will be a lot of relaxing, reading, TV watching and Sim playing in my house on Sunday and Monday. Which is excellent

So, I stepped on my scale this morning. I am down two pounds from last Friday's weight, and I am down ten pounds overall so far. Yay! I was very excited to finally reach that number. Ten down, a larger-than-it-should-be-number-that-I'm-not-going-to-write-here to go! Woo! And I'm hoping to have a treadmill in my possession by next week - I have two people who might have one to give me/sell me. If one of them works out, then I'll be walking on it every night soon. I hope one of them does work out. I haven't been very good at the exercising thing. I'm pretty good at controlling my eating, but I just can't get myself to do aerobics everyday. Hopefully the treadmill will get me moving on the exercise front.

And okay, I suddenly seem to have run out of things to talk about for now. Check back tomorrow, though, because it's a special occasion in this space tomorrow. Ooh, suspense! Have a great Thursday!

Unexpected Money Rocks!

Woo! I came home from work today, got my mail, and had something from the New York State Department of Taxation and Finance. Ooh, bad news. That was my initial reaction. But! It turned out that, to quote the stub: "In accordance with the new STAR school property tax rebate program approved by Governor George Pataki and the State Legislature, we are pleased to provide you with the attached check to help reduce the burden of your 2006-07 school taxes." They sent me $158.40! Excellent. I love unexpected money!

And, more good news, the diet continues to go well. I am weighing myself on my home scale in the mornings and then on the scale at work after I get there. According to my home scale, I lost three pounds last week. According to the work scale, I only lost a pound. So obviously, I'm ignoring the work scale and paying more attention to my own scale. :) Regardless, it's still going well, and the weight continues to come off slowly, and I'm still just as motivated as ever. And I have to mention here that I got the best comments from a new reader in the UK, Reid. Reid, you rock. Thanks for the support, and congratulations on your own weight loss! I hope you'll keep reading. And hey, maybe someday I'll even put up a progress picture or two! I'm not sure. Maybe. I'm a little camera shy, though, so we'll see.

And now I'm going to think about what I'm going to do with my unexpected windfall. Actually, I'll probably be boring and save it for my homeowner's taxes, since my school taxes are already paid. Anyway, here's hoping that you will all have great weekends! I'm going to go to lunch with my sister on Sunday, so I definitely will. Talk to you later!

Link-a-roony

Not that she needs any help from me in getting readers, since she has about a bazillion to my five (hi! I love you, my five faithfual readers), but if you haven't already read Pamie's entries about the marathon she ran in Maui, you should go do so now. They had me alternately thinking I would never, ever do that in my whole life and thinking, "hey, I should start training for that!" And then I almost cried at the end. She's an excellent writer. Go. Read them. But finish reading me first. :)

So. Last time I did this weight loss challenge, you never heard another word about it, because I sucked so horribly and quit after like three or four weeks. This time? I'm doing pretty darn well, and I'm staying motivated. So I feel like writing about it. I hope it doesn't bore you.

I have been doing pretty well, like I said. I'm not losing a lot each week, but I am losing each week, which is good. And I'm starting to feel small differences in my body - I'm just a tiny bit smaller in a couple of places. Nothing noticeable to other people yet, but I can feel it. It's good stuff. I have to work on being good all weekend, though, because I've been cheating for the whole weekend, plus Friday, so then I spend Monday and Tuesday losing what I gain over the weekend, and then only Wednesday and Thursday losing new weight. Obviously that needs to stop. As of this week, I am cheating on Friday (because I have to have one day to look forward to, or I'll never keep this up) and being good on Saturday and Sunday. I'm so glad that I'm finally reclaiming control over the shape of my body. I gave up control a long time ago - I say it started about the time my Mom started having strokes, back in 1996, which I guess is true, because prior to that point, I was only overweight by about 15 pounds. Not a big deal. After ten years of stress eating, grief eating and then just "bad habit" eating, that 15 pounds has snowballed like crazy. Not for much longer, though. It's going to take me about ten months, at this pace, to get to my goal, but I AM going to get there. I want to be healthy again. And I finally want that more than I want to stuff my face with junk food.

And okay, if you stuck around to read all of that, you deserve a cookie. But I don't have any to give you, so you'll have to buy your own. Oh, and go read Pamie's marathon entries now, because I'm done here. And read the rest of her stuff too, because she rocks. Have a great weekend, everyone!

Working up a sweat, and not in the fun way

Well, it took me how long? Two weeks, at least, since I first mentioned the need to do it? But I finally started exercising tonight! I popped in my (and yes I realize I'm aging myself here, but you know how old I am anyway) Jane Fonda workout tape circa 1986 or so, and I did the beginner's workout. Or at least I did half of it - then I felt like I was going to die, so I stopped. I'll be able to do more next time, though. The cardio-vascular system is surprisingly resilient.

And you wanna know the scary thing? I remembered every one of the horrible songs they play and sing during it, and even worse than that, I was able to say everything that Jane said, right along with her. Yup. I forget names, I forget things I learned in school, but I have no problem whatsoever remembering the words in a workout tape. Oh, the joy of me.

Anyway, yay! Go me!

Munchies

I want nothing more than to eat right now. Chips, cookies, granola bar - whatever. I want to eat it! But no! I've had enough today, so I can't. And I'm not hungry, I just want to snack because I'm sitting here watching TV and playing the Sims, and that is perfect snacking time. Ugh. Dieting sucks.

In which I prove I am a TV addict

I stole the following from Clare:

Instructions: Bold (or change the color) of all of the following TV shows which you've seen 3 or more episodes of in your lifetime. Bold and Italicize a show if you're positive you've seen every episode of it. If you want, add up to 3 additional shows (keep the list in alphabetical order).

24
3rd Rock from the Sun
7th Heaven
Adam-12
Aeon Flux
A.L.F
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Alias
Allo Allo
American Idol/Pop Idol/Canadian Idol/Australian Idol/X-Fact0r
America's Next Top Model/Germany's Next Top Model
Angel
Arrested Development
Babylon 5
Babylon 5: Crusade
Battlestar Galactica (the old one)
Battlestar Galactica (the new one)
Baywatch
Beavis & Butthead
The Ben Stiller Show
Beverly Hills 90210
Bewitched
Bleak House
Bonanza
Bones
Bosom Buddies
Boston Legal
Boy Meets World
Brady Bunch
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Bug Juice
Chappelle's Show
Charlie's Angels
Charmed
Cheers
China Beach
Columbo
Commander in Chief
Coupling
Cowboy Bebop
Crossing Jordan
CSI
CSI: Miami
CSI: NY
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Dallas
Dancing with the Stars
Danny Phantom
Dark Angel
Dark Skies
Davinci's Inquest
Dawson's Creek
Dead Like Me
Deadliest Catch
Deadwood
Degrassi: The Next Generation
Designing Women
Desperate Housewives
Dharma & Greg
Different Strokes
Doctor Who (new Who)
Doctor Who (series 1-26)
Dragnet
Due South
Dungeons and Dragons (old cartoon)
Dynasty
Earth 2
Eastenders
Emergency!
Entourage
ER
Everwood
Everybody Loves Raymond
Facts of Life
Falcon Crest
Family Guy
Family Ties
Fantasy Island
Farscape
Fawlty Towers
Felicity
Firefly
Flamingo Road
Frasier
Friends
Full House
Futurama
Get Smart
Gilligan's Island
Gilmore Girls
Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
Green Wing
Grey's Anatomy
Growing Pains
Gunsmoke
Happy Days
Head of the Class
Highlander
Hill Street Blues
Hogan's Heroes
Home and Away
Home Improvement
Homicide: Life on the Street
House
I Dream of Jeannie
I Love Lucy
Invader Zim
Invasion
Iron Chef (Japan)
Iron Chef (USA)
Ironsides
JAG
Jackass
Jeopardy
Joey
John Doe
Kath and Kim
Knight Rider
Knots Landing
La Femme Nikita
LA Law
Laugh-In
Laverne and Shirley
Law & Order
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Law & Order: SVU
Little House on the Prairie
Lizzie McGuire
Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman
Lost
Lost in Space
Love, American Style
M*A*S*H
MacGyver
Magnum P.I.
Malcolm in the Middle
Married...With Children
Melrose Place
Miami Vice
Mission Impossible
Monk
Moonlighting
Mork & Mindy
Murphy Brown
My Family
My Favorite Martian
My Life as a Dog
My Mother the Car
My So-Called Life
My Three Sons
My Two Dads
Mysterious Cities of Gold
NCIS
Neighbours
Night Court
Nip/Tuck
Northern Exposure
Numbers
One Day at a Time
One Tree Hill
Oz
Parker Lewis Can't Lose
Party of Five
Perfect Strangers
Perry Mason
Picket Fences
Pirates of Darkwater
Pokemon
Power Rangers
Prison Break
Prisoner / Cell Block H
Profiler
Project Runway
Psyche
Quantum Leap
Queer As Folk (US)
Queer as Folk (British)
Queer Eye For The Straight Guy
ReGenesis
Remington Steele
Rescue Me
Road Rules
ROME
Roseanne
Roswell
Samurai Jack
Saved by the Bell
Scarecrow and Mrs. King
Scooby-Doo Where Are You?
Scrubs
Seinfeld
Sex and the City
Six Feet Under
Slings and Arrows
Smallville
Small Wonder
So Weird
South Park
Spaced
Spongebob Squarepants
Sports Night
SquarePegs
St. Elsewhere
Star Trek
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Star Trek: Voyager
Star Trek: Enterprise
Stargate Atlantis - New season
StargateSG-1 -Newseason
Superman
Supernatural
Surface
Survivor
Taxi
Teen Titans
Teletubbies
That Girl
That 70's Show
That's So Raven
The 4400
The Addams Family
The Andy Griffith Show
The A-Team
The Avengers
The Beverly Hillbillies
The Bionic Woman
The Colbert Report
The Cosby Show
The Daily Show
The Days And Nights Of Molly Dodd
The Dead Zone
The Dick Van Dyke Show
The Flintstones
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
The Golden Girls
The Jetsons
The L Word
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
The Mighty Boosh
The Monkees
The Munsters
The Mythbusters
The O.C.
The Office (UK)
The Office (US)
The Pretender
The Prisoner
The Real World
The Shield
The Simpsons
The Six Million Dollar Man
The Sopranos
The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
The Sullivans
The Twilight Zone
The Waltons
The West Wing
The Wonder Years
The X-Files
Third Watch
thirtysomething
Three's Company
Top Gear
Twin Peaks
Twitch City
Upstairs, Downstairs
Veronica Mars
Wings
What Not To Wear (US)
What Not To Wear (UK)
Whose Line is it Anyway? (US)
Whose Line is it Anyway? (UK)
Witchblade
Will and Grace
Wonderfalls
Wonder Woman
Xena: Warrior Princess
Young Hercules

Okay, yes, I watch way too much TV. In my own defense, a lot of these shows were watched when I was a kid, and yet I still managed to play outside a lot. I've always been good at multi-tasking, I suppose. But oh, some of these shows hold fond memories for me.

Being a Good Grown-Up

Okay, I'm not putting it off - I just made a doctor's appointment for a physical. Of course, they couldn't get me in until October, but that's okay. The health/blood pressure/not wanting to end up with my Mom's health problems thing is all I've been able to think about since yesterday, so I'm going to make sure to do something about it. I am NOT going to be like my Mom - I'm going to take my little early warning sign and I am going to heed it. (No offence, Mom.)

And I'm okay with waiting until October, because that gives me more time to lose weight and exercise before I go in, so maybe my blood pressure will be closer to normal by then. :) We'll see.

Wake-up Call

The Red Cross is having a blood drive in the gym in my building at work. I am a good, blood giving type of person, so I went in after lunch to try to give. I knew I might not be able to give, because my iron is usually too low. But I have to try. So I went in, and I had my vitals taken, and my iron was in fact too low. I got some unexpected news, though - my blood pressure was borderline high.

I've never had high blood pressure. Whenever I've had it taken, it's always been normal. However, it's in my genes - my Mom had high blood pressure. And heart attacks. And strokes. So obviously this was a huge wake-up call for me.

I of course came right back to my desk after I left the blood drive, and looked up high blood pressure on webmd. It may be no surprise to you that high blood pressure can lead to all of those things I listed in the previous paragraph. The site also confirmed for me what I already knew - how to change my lifestyle to get it down. I need to lose weight, eat healthier and do aerobic exercise for 30 minutes a day. I'm already working on the losing weight thing, and I'm eating less junk food and less total food during the day, so no problem there. I do need to work in more fruits and I suppose I need to figure out a way to work in more vegetables too, although I really don't know how I'm going to do that without puking, because I hate them all, pretty much. The biggie, for me, is the exercise.

I live a very sedentary life. I sit on my butt all day at work, I sit on my butt in the car on the way to and from work, I sit on my butt at my computer when I'm home - I don't move much. I don't even walk my dogs - they just go out loose in my yard. The idea of losing weight just to improve my self-image wasn't enough incentive to get me to start exercising. But the desire to avoid all of the health problems that come with high blood pressure is.

Sigh. It looks like I'll be breaking out those old aerobics tapes.

When the Red Cross comes back in a couple of months, I'll attempt to give blood again, and I'll find out if my plan is working. If not, I guess I'll have to go to the doctor (and yes, I know I should go now, but I'm not going to. I'll try what I know I need to do first, and if it doesn't work, then I'll go). But if it's lower, then I'll know I'm on the right track.

Genetics are a bitch.

Steve Irwin

I always get very sad when a celebrity dies. I guess it's because I feel like I get to know them in a way, from watching them on TV and in the movies. I was shocked today when I heard that Steve Irwin had died in a freak accident while in the water with stingrays. I don't get so sad about him, really - his pain is over. I feel for his wife and their two kids. His youngest son is about two years old, which is how old I was when my Dad died, so I really empathize. His kids are lucky that they can watch their Dad in videos of all of his shows, so at least he'll be a living, talking person in their minds at all times, instead of just still photos like I had of my Dad. But I know the pain of not having any actual memories of your Father - of never being able to remember a day spent with him, or a time when he called your name.

I feel for his kids. I hope Terry does what she can to make sure that his memory stays alive in their memory forever.

The Cocoon Ate My Lawnmower

I went outside with the dogs a few minutes ago, and it is so nice outside! So I thought maybe I would mow part of the lawn. I went to the garage door, and looked it over carefully, like I always do, because I have a lot of spiders where I live, and I definitely don't want to take the chance of touching one or having one fall on me or anything. Shudder. And I did find some spiders, but I also found this:

(Shown next to a Daddy Long Legs, so you can get an idea of the size of it - it's very small.)

It's a cocoon. Or chrysalis - I'm not sure. Whatever it is, I don't want to take the chance of hurting it, so I didn't open the garage door, and my lawn didn't get mowed. I wonder how long this thing will be holding my garage door captive?

If anyone who reads this has any idea what type of creature this is going to end up being, drop me an e-mail or a comment, would you? I'd really like to know. Thanks!

Edited to add: I did some research online, and it looks like it's a Monarch butterfly cocoon! So exciting. It takes them about a week and a half to come out of the cocoon. I have no idea how long it's been hanging there, but I'm going to keep an eye on it. Apparently they turn transparent a day before they emerge, so when it gets to that point, I'll take another picture. But, yay! My garage door is hosting the birth of a Monarch butterfly! So cool.

Finally! Two days off to relax

Aaaahhhh. The only good thing about working 12 days in a row is the incredible feeling of freedom and appreciation it has made me have for this weekend. You know what I did yesterday? Almost nothing, and it felt great. Okay, so I did a couple loads of laundry. And I ran a few errands (grocery store, library, bank), but I got to take the dogs with me, so that was even okay. And I got Chinese food for dinner, so really it was just about the perfect Saturday. And today is shaping up just as well. I need to mow the lawn, but it is a little rainy and actually cold out (weird, for August), so that's not getting done today. Instead I will be sitting here all day, playing the Sims, catching up on my recorded TV shows, and maybe sweeping the floors. Oh, and I have already done two loads of laundry and my sheets are in the washer. But laundry is almost nothing, it's so easy - the machines do all the work.

Anyway, I'm just checking in to let you all know that I did in fact survive my 12 days of hell, and I am really enjoying my weekend. And now I just have to work five more days, and then I get a THREE day weekend, because I took Labor Day off (we don't get it automatically, because the office doesn't close). And I'll get my first overtime paycheck on Tuesday, and I can't wait to see how big it is. They better not kill me too much with taxes, because I need to feel like all that time with no days off was worth it.

And now I'm going to go back to playing my game. I hope you all are having fantastic weekends!

Hanging In

I've made it to day 11. I just have to get through today and tomorrow, and then I will finally have two days off, to sleep the sleep of the dead, because frankly that's how I've been feeling the last few days - dead.

But yeah, blah, blah, blah, I'm exhausted, haven't had any time off, boringness. Right? Yup. And I'm afraid it doesn't get much more exciting than that, because that's what my life has been for the last 11 days. Work, sleep, get up and work again, Sim a little, lather, rinse and repeat. I'm existing on Diet Pepsi and junk food. Not healthy, but whatever it takes to keep me vertical for the work days. And the junk food is okay, because I'm starting another weight loss challenge at work.

Yeah, remember when I talked about that last one? All those months ago? Yeah, I never mentioned it again because I crapped out on it at about week four. Yup. But I'm trying again, because you never know - this may be the time I stick with it. I've been trying to do some self improvement lately, anyway. It's taking a while, but I'm trying to work myself back into the person I was before my Mom got sick and life started beating me down. And by that I mean, I'm trying to get back into actually caring about how I look and how I treat myself. The first step was starting to wear jewelry again, the second step (newly accomplished) was starting to take the effort to wear make-up again. The third step is the weight loss and starting to exercise so that I can feel healthy again, which will be followed by step four: shop 'til I drop and buy all kinds of new, smaller, girly clothes. Obviously that step kind of hinges on the one before it. So I'm giving it another shot.

And now I have to go to a stupid meeting, so that's it from me for now. I hope you all are having good weeks. And if you have any good willpower thoughts that you could send my way (starting about Saturday), I would very much appreciate them. Thanks!

Reading: Frankie's Place, by Jim Sterba (purchased while I was in Maine)
Listening: to my Yahoo radio, which is currently playing some Wham!
Watching: my computer monitor, for another 5 1/2 hours, ugh.
Wishing: that it was Friday at 4:30, because I'd be on my way home.
Drinking: Diet Pepsi

Tired, Oh So Tired

Day 9 of 12. I'm losing steam big time. It's 9:18 a.m. at this very moment, and I am already drinking a soda, because I don't drink coffee, and I needed caffeine to keep my eyes open. Willow woke up me up a few times last night growling, and in fact got herself kicked out of my room for the first time in a few weeks. But then, of course, she woke me up again at 5:00 this morning scratching at my door to get back in. Stupid dog. It's a good thing she's so darn cute and (usually) lovable.

It's only Tuesday. Someone wake me when Friday afternoon comes, okay? Thanks.

A New Semester Begins

Welcome weekend is over - the students are all back on campus. The freshmen are charging up their new laptops, getting to know their roommates, and anticipating the first day of classes. Their backpacks are ready with textbooks, notebooks, folders, pens, pencils and calculators. They've got their outifts all picked out so that they will look just right. A load of new experiences await them, some good, some bad, but all necessary to make them into the people they will eventually be. The traditional students won't appreciate it for what it is - a chance to learn the skills they will need to give them a bright future. The non-traditional students will, because they know what else is out there.

I am not taking classes this semester. And I am so happy about that, I can't even express it. I will get up tomorrow morning and go to work, and I will be very grateful not to have to pack up my laptop to start a couple of new classes. This break is going to be fantastic. Let those students go to classes and do homework and struggle with group assignments and study for quizzes and tests. I'm going to relax.

Snapshot

So, I'm bored. For anyone reading this who isn't Sarah, and therefore doesn't know what laptop distribution is like, this is how my day is going. I showed up at 7:30 this morning, and stood around and did nothing until 9:00. Then I herded students into a room and signed their contract copies and directed them to another room. That lasted about 15 minutes, and then I sat and did nothing until 11:00, when I got to do that all again. And then (are you getting a picture here?) I ate lunch and did nothing until 1:30, and now I'm sitting here doing nothing again, waiting for 3:30 when I can work for another fifteen minutes and then hopefully go home. So basically, I'm working for about an hour, but spending 8 1/2 hours or so here to do it. Fun!

But I'm getting paid overtime for it all, so I guess I'll shut up now. :)

Introspective entry about work, brought on by severe tiredness

Five days of work down, seven to go. I hate the week that the kids come back. So, yeah, work has been kind of crazy. If you have been reading me right along, you know that I changed jobs in January. I work for the same company, and in the same building, but for a different department. That transition has been harder in some ways than I thought it would be. I've had to adjust to not working with my two good friends anymore, which was made easier by the fact that they're just on the other side of the building, so while we're not working side by side anymore, I still get to see them everyday, and we usually get to have lunch together too.

Although, I'll admit it here and now, I did have to deal with some jealousy when the summer first started, and they were over there together, working in the same space, and I was all the way on the other side of the building, missing all the fun. That was totally my issue, and I got over it eventually. And yes, I did say fun and work in the same sentence. How can work not be fun when it involves two crazy people who make jokes out of everything?

So, I adjusted to that, and I learned the ins and outs of my new job, and I enjoy it a lot. I don't love it, but I like it, and it's a very good job, and I feel lucky everyday to have it. But the fact that I work for the same company, in the same building, can make things weird sometimes. Yesterday my old coworkers had to move 800 or 900 laptops from our building to the one where they're going to be distributed to the students, while I was helping out with stuff in my own office. And I felt guilty! I felt like I should be over there, sweating along with them while moving those laptops. Telling myself that I have a different job now didn't make me get past that. Then today I was in the gym where all of the new students were coming through for orientation, doing stuff for the old office (I get shipped out to them for things like this, because they're a little shorthanded right now) - selling laptops and answering questions. But mostly it was very slow for me, and I sat there for amost nine hours not doing too much of anything useful. And I was thinking about my friends, back in the old building, handing out cell phones to what must have felt like thousands of students, with lines backed up the length of a gymnasium (four lines, that is), and I felt guilty again. I would have been far more useful down there with them, handing out phones (or helping in the store, not that I could have been much use in there).

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, other than that I shouldn't write entries when I'm tired and only have work on my mind. But I guess overall I'm just having trouble separating my old job from my new job. My loyalties are mixed. I loved my old job, and I have two great friends who still work there, and I want to be able to help them out on these hectic, busy days. And I can't. And I'm sorry about that.

And maybe I need to get the fuck out of my head, and go lay in my clean bed and relax and go to sleep early, because I have to be at work at 7:30 tomorrow to hand out laptops. (Which, for anyone keeping track, is being done for my old job. Is it any wonder I have trouble saying good-bye to it?) I hope you all have great weekends - those of you who have it off, that is. Sarah, Jamie and I will be at work wishing we weren't.

This Entry Rated PG-13

My job can be pretty boring, but every once in a while I get a cool assignment. Like this one: the college where I work makes ice cream, and they're probably going to be rolling out four new flavors soon - I was asked to help come up with names for the new flavors. One of the flavors was vanilla with halved cherries. I came up with the perfect name! Only I don't think the college will go for it - what do you think?

The name I came up with? Popped My Cherry.

Hee. Something tells me the chancellor would have a cow.

Good-bye Weekend

I had a good weekend. A bridal shower on Saturday that turned into dinner at Applebee's. A lazy day today doing not much of anything, and the weather was absolutely perfect - if it could be low 70s everyday, with nights in the 50s, I would be so happy. It's great. Weird for August, but I'll take it.

It's a good thing I enjoyed my weekend, too, because school starts a week from tomorrow. The students will be back, and I have to work next weekend. Sigh. So sad. I have to work for TWELVE days in a row. Twelve, people! Two of my readers feel my pain, because they work there too. That doesn't make me feel any better, though.

And I have a cat yelling at me, and I don't really have anything else to say, so that's all for now. I hope you all had great weekends!

Ren-Purse

I promised you the picture of that very weird purse that I saw at the Renaissance Fair on Saturday. Behold (and I apologize for the poor quality of the picture - I was kind of snapping it on the sly, and she was standing in the sun):

Can you make it out? That is the fur from the head of an animal - I couldn't quite tell what, but it seems like a coyote, maybe? If you know something else that it may be, leave me a comment to let me know. Anyway, the fur head makes the flap, and the bottom seems to be a turtle or tortoise shell, with leather fringe hanging off the bottom. I'm kind of glad that I can't see what the back of it is made out of. Freaky.

I had dinner at my sister's house tonight, like I do every Monday night (my sister rules), and she told me that my nephew, who moved out to Los Angeles less than a month ago, I think, landed a bit part as a hostage on Medium, which is so exciting! It would be exciting no matter what show it was, but I actually watch and love that show, so I can't wait to see it. He doesn't know when it's going to be on yet, but I'll mention again when I know. So cool.

Okay, wow, my head is so not into writing something interesting here, so I'm ending this entry here. I hope you all are having a great Monday!

Ren Fair - An Entry in Pictures

Jamie and I went to the renaissance fair today. It's a very interesting place, and we had a fun day (albeit a hot, tiring one). You wanna see some pictures? Cool.

The entrance, with two of the first actors we came across.

The King! Who looks more like the Pope in that hat.

A parade of actors. It turned out that all of these people were heading to their first show of the day - we caught part of it.

Outside of the show I just mentioned, there was this lady hanging out with a live owl on her arm. Very cool! She was involved with the show.

God save the Queen!

There were rides all around the fair, and they were all hand operated. If you look closely, you can see two guys in the middle of this, pushing on the spokes to move the swings. Pretty cool, but I SO would not want to be one of the operators of these things.

We watched part of a joust. We didn't watch the whole show, though, because we were standing right in the sun, and it was very hot.

And that's all for the pictures. I was going to post a few more, but blogger crapped out on me again. All you're missing is: a picture of a turkey leg that Jamie ate for lunch. It was giant, people were eating them all over and in my opinion they a little gross. I'm just not enough of a carnivore for those things.

I also had a close-up picture of the owl, who we saw hanging out in the shade between shows. He was very pretty. And the last picture was going to be of the weirdest purse I have ever seen. Actually, this has to be seen to be believed, so look for that in a future entry.

And that was our trip to the Ren Fair! It was a lot of fun, and a new experience for us both, so I'm glad we went.

Inside the...well, inside my head, I guess

I'm sitting here watching an episode of Inside the Actor's Studio with Hugh Laurie (of House) as the guest, and they just got to the end of the show, where James Lipton asks that same questionnaire that he asks every guest, and I was thinking of answers and realized...I could bug you with them! So here we go. Feel free to answer them for yourselves, too, in your blog, in your head, or in my comments (hint, hint). :)

1. "What is your favorite word?" Mine is...Peace. As in peace and quiet, when Willow isn't grumbling and the TV isn't on. Nice.

2. "What is your least favorite word?" Mine is...snow. Even in August.

3. "What turns you on?" A look from a man that just screams he loves me. You know that intense, trying to drink you in kind of look. It's great.

4. "What turns you off?" Religion talk.

5. "What sound or noise do you love?" The voices of the people I love.

6. "What sound or noise do you hate?" Screaming kids.

7. "What is your favorite curse word?" Fuck. It's the one I pull out when I get aggravated or tired. I also like to string it with other curse words - for example: shit fuck goddamn it all to fucking goddamn hell (for when I get really upset or aggravated).

8. "What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?" I would like to be an author of fiction books.

9. "What profession would you not like to participate in?" I would never want to be a waitress. It just seems like it's super hard work, with crappy hours and little appreciation. I tip well, because I think the people who do that job, and do it well, deserve to be rewarded, because it must suck big time.

10. "If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?" Well, there's no contest. I want to be directed to where my Mom, Step-Dad and Dad are, along with all of our other family members who have predeceased me. But mostly, I want to see my Mom, Wayne and I want to meet my father.

There, wasn't that fun? I could do this tomorrow, and my answers would be different, so consider this a snapshot of this exact moment in time. Okay, your turn!

Dodging Bullets

Whew, that was close. In a case of temporary insanity, I signed up a couple of months ago for the corporate challenge, which is a 3.5 mile race/walk held in Syracuse, sponsored by corporations to support charity. I was SO not looking forward to it. Exercise is not my favorite activity, unfortunately. But! I dodged that one. The race was cancelled due to record heat. Woo! Now I get to go home and sweat in the privacy of my home, instead of in the company of 7,000 other sweaty people. MUCH better.

Plus, I got a Day-Glo yellow t-shirt out of the deal. Seriously. They would have been able to see me from miles away, as I trudged my way across the 3.5 mile line.


This picture doesn't even adequately display the brightness of this shirt. M is for magically bright. (And check out my bathroom tile in the background. Hee.)