24 Hours

Sometimes the dark mood takes hold. My head feels somehow thicker or heavier; my brow tenses. I want nothing more than to climb into bed in the dark, and just lay there. Not go to sleep, not watch TV, not read a book - just lay there, in the dark, doing nothing. I'm an upbeat person by nature, but sometimes even us cheery people get down. This kind of mood can be prompted by many things - the hormones of the week before my period, loneliness, grief (the three years after my Mom died, almost all of my time was spent in this dark place), or what prompted it last night - financial problems.

Now, these problems are very temporary in nature, and I've been in much worse shape over the years. But I was expecting some money to come in - not much, just about $300 - but I was counting on it to pay a few bills, and it didn't come, and I can't find out why until after the New Year, and one of the companies that I was going to pay with that money called yesterday afternoon to remind me that I owe them, and! I don't have to be reminded, believe me, it's been at the top of my mind for a couple of weeks now. But the money didn't come, and that's not my fault, and I had no other way of getting my hands on the money short of borrowing from friends (thanks for the offer, by the way, it means a lot that you trust me and care about me enough to make it) and I am not about to do that. I mean, my next paycheck will be here on Tuesday, and then I'll be able to catch up with just about everybody.

And I was in that dark place all afternoon and night yesterday, and I was still there when I woke up this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed, but I couldn't just lay there all day, and besides, the cats were hungry. So I got up. And when the cats and dog were fed and the dog had been outside, I came into the living room and opened all of the curtains except for the one right next to my desk - that one stayed shut so that I could continue to hide. And it stayed shut, and I stayed sitting in my chair, watching stupid mindless sitcoms on daytime TV, with that tense feeling in my forehead, all morning. And I tried to get a credit limit increase on my credit cards so that I could use one to pay this company that had called, and I couldn't. And I tried to call the company I was expecting the money from, andI got voice mail. And the mail came and I ran out to the mailbox to see if the check had finally (please god) come, and it hadn't. And somehow I let go of the tension. It was now beyond my control. It's the Friday before New Year's, so all of the offices involved - the company I owe, the company I was expecting the check from - are going to be closed, most likely until Tuesday, and by that time I'll have my paycheck and the bill(s) will be paid. And somehow through the simple act of letting go, the dark mood started to lift.

Now this lifting isn't an instant thing, but I played some Sims, I took a hot shower, and I even walked down into the (scary, spiderwebby) basement and checked my fuel oil level and found out that I'm further from running out than I thought I was, so I came upstairs and turned my furnace up to 62 degrees. Because 58 is just too darn cold. And then I watched an episode of Smallville, ignoring the fact that Netflix hasn't received two of my DVDs that I mailed back, even though they were mailed Friday and Saturday, because they will show up eventually. And then I put on my skates and I freaked the dog out again by skating around the dining room. And I took a dish to the kitchen sink, while wearing my skates, and marveled at how different everything looks when I'm suddenly 3 or 4 inches taller than my normal 5'2". And I put on my headphones and hit shuffle on the mp3 player and listened (am listening) to some of my favorite songs play just for me.

And while I'm sitting here writing this, my feet are rolling back and forth underneath me, because I'm still wearing my skates. And almost exactly 24 hours after that dark mood hit me, it is just about gone. Thank goodness that old saying is true: what a difference a day makes.